We have
several clichés and proverbs in our language that remind us not to make
superficial judgments about things simply on the basis of appearance. For
example, we have the very straightforward statement, “Appearances can be
deceiving.” We also have some metaphors like, “Don’t judge a book by its
cover,” or “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the
fight in the dog.”
It would be
wise for us not to judge by appearances as we come to 1 Peter 3:7. From a quick
glance at 1 Peter 3, you can see that Peter devotes 6 verses to instructing
wives, but only 1 verse to instructing husbands. It would be incorrect to look
at that disparity and conclude that wives need more instruction or that
husbands apparently do a better job in their role. In fact, if you compare this
chapter to Ephesians 5—which also gives instruction to husbands and
wives—you’ll see that the balance is exactly the opposite; husbands receive
much more instruction in that chapter than wives do.
So, let’s
move past mere appearances with this verse and dig in to what Peter has to say
to husbands. Here we will find 3 habits of an honorable husband.
1. An honorable husband knows his task and his wife
Peter
begins this verse by saying, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an
understanding way.” The Greek behind this translation literally says to live
“according to knowledge.” In order to be an honorable husband, there are at
least two areas of knowledge in which a husband must be well-versed.
First, he
must thoroughly understand the task that God has given to him as a husband. He
is called to be a leader for his wife – to set the direction or set the tone in
the home. Now husbands must remember that in most ways, the direction for the
home has already been set for him by the Lord. So the husband’s real task is
simply to bear the greater share of responsibility for implementing God’s plans
for a Christian family.
Men, when
we hear that we are supposed to be the leaders in the home, our sinful pride
tells us that that makes us like a commander-in-chief. We might picture
ourselves as having unquestioned authority in the home, with the power to bark
out orders and expect our wives to get in line.
In reality,
we are much more like a platoon sergeant. Sure – we do have a position of
leadership, but it’s much lower on the ladder than our sinful nature would have
us think. Again, in our role, our task is simply to take the commands we have received
from above and implement them among those who are under our care.
Second, a
husband must also thoroughly understand his wife. Once we have a good grasp on
our task from God, we then have to look for the best way to carry out that task
in the context of our specific marriages to our specific wives. In any setting,
if a leader is going to lead effectively, he must have a thorough knowledge of
those who are under his care.
I don’t
have to tell you that every woman is unique. Each woman has her own upbringing,
her own genetics, her own personality, her own innate gifts and abilities, her
own spiritual gifts. When God gives you one of these wonderful creatures as a
wife, you have to get to know her to figure out how she works! What are her
opinions? What are her fears? What are her hopes, her dreams? What are her
limitations and her weaknesses?
You have to
get to know your wife, and you have to keep getting to know her. You’re going
to laugh at me for this one, but I remember distinctly about a month ago being
reminded of something that I had forgotten about my wife. Unfortunately, I
can’t tell you what it was because I forgot it again! That happens, doesn’t it?
We learn, and we forget; or we learn and come to find out that we had
misunderstood.
So we have
to keep learning about our wives so that we will know the most effective way to
lead them as we work together to implement God’s plans for our home.
2. An honorable husband honors his wife
A. Due to the vulnerabilities of her position
In the next
part of verse seven, Peter tells husbands to “[show] honor to the woman as the
weaker vessel.” Please note that Peter does not call women weak – he calls them
weaker. He does not use an absolute
term; so in other words, he’s not saying, “Look husbands, you’ve got to
understand that your wives are just plain weak. No matter how you slice it,
they’re just weak.” That is NOT what Peter says!
Rather, he
uses a comparative term; he’s saying that in some way as compared to their
husbands, women are weaker by that standard of comparison. Now, what standard
of comparison is Peter thinking of? It seems that there are basically two
options.
First,
Peter could be thinking in terms of physical strength. It is generally true
that husbands are stronger than their wives in terms of sheer, brute strength.
I don’t know about the rest of you husbands though, but I’m not going to tell
the woman who bore my children that she’s weaker than I am!
It could be
that Peter is talking about physical strength, and by “honor” then, he would
apparently mean something like protecting your wife and keeping her safe. Your
wife’s need for physical safety is certainly a need for which a husband wants
to provide, so we should be looking after that.
But Peter
might have a second standard of measurement in the forefront of his mind, and
that would be the standard of how men and women are viewed in society. At that
time in particular, women were in a much weaker position in society in terms of
their legal rights and in terms of the respect that was given to them.
There are always exceptions to the
rule, but the common wife at that time was totally at the mercy of her husband
in numerous ways. Let me just give you one quote to illustrate this. These
words come from the Roman statesman Cato, who lived around 300 years before 1
Peter was written, but nevertheless, his words capture the status of women that
prevailed throughout the history of the Roman Empire. He stated, “If you were
to catch your wife in an act of infidelity, you can kill her with impunity
without a trial; but, if she were to catch you, she would not venture to touch
you with her finger, and, indeed, she has no right.”1
So what was a Christian husband to
do in a setting like that – a setting in which his wife was tremendously
vulnerable? According to Peter, he was to show honor to his wife. By doing so,
a Christian husband could calm any fears that his wife may have had about him
abusing his position of authority. He could help her to feel extremely secure
in his love and protection and thus send a clear message that she had nothing
to fear.
Wives today have a much different
standing in society, but nevertheless, they still have a certain vulnerability
in some ways. If a divorce occurs, for example, a wife typically takes on
greater responsibility for any children, and she might be economically
vulnerable if she didn’t work outside the home. Regardless, a wife still faces
the reality that she is called to follow her husband’s lead in the home.
Husbands, in light of this, we must show honor to our wives to reassure them
that we have no intention of abusing our leadership role, but rather, we intend
to cherish our wives and show them how much we love them.
B.
Due to her spiritual equality in the eyes of God
Regardless of how a society or
culture may view wives, God sees them as being spiritual equals with their
husbands – so husbands need to see them the same way! Peter writes that a
second reason we should show honor to our wives is, “since they are heirs with
you of the grace of life.”
When it comes to receiving spiritual
blessings from God, husbands and wives are on an equal footing. Neither a
husband nor a wife is better off in terms of the ability to receive salvation
or to relate to God. This is very important for a husband to remember, lest he
think that his leadership position means that God loves him more or that his
wife just simply isn’t capable of the spiritual insight that he is capable of.
This simply isn’t true!
3. An
honorable husband remembers that his own fellowship with God will be hindered
by mistreating his wife
The final statement of this verse
reveals just how seriously God takes this issue of the proper treatment of
wives. It tells us as husbands why it is personally very important for us to
know our wives and honor them. Peter says we must do so “so that your prayers
may not be hindered.” The Book of Revelation occasionally portrays our prayers
as sweet-smelling incense in the heavenly throne room of God. Perhaps, then, we
should think of mistreatment of our wives as a foul-smelling stench that
overpowers any pleasing aroma that our prayers might have.
Think of it sort of like this, men.
If you are not treating your wife very well, do you think you’re going to have
a great relationship with your father-in-law? Do you think he’s going to be all
buddy-buddy with you, or do you think the atmosphere at family gatherings might
be just a bit icy?
Well, remember this—God is your
wife’s spiritual father. Why would we think that his response would be any
different than your wife’s earthly father? The fact is that it is not – failing
to know your wife and honor your wife will have a chilling effect on your own
intimacy with God as your father. God will be so put off by the stench of your
sin that the sweet-smelling fragrance of your prayers will not have its usual
potency.
So what will it be, husbands? Will
our prayers need deodorant, or will they be a sweet-smelling aroma before the
Lord? At least part of the difference will be made by the way that we treat our
wives!
Notes:
1. As
quoted by William Barclay in “The Letters of James and Peter,” The New Daily
Study Bible (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 2003), 257.
