Rebuilding after something is unexpectedly torn down can often take some time. Natural disasters provide a perfect example of this. Those who have not been affected by a natural disaster can easily forget its aftermath, because we often turn our minds elsewhere as soon as the TV crews stop reporting from the location. But as I speak today, the residents of Joplin are still trying to rebuild, the people of Japan are still rebuilding after their tsunami, those who were affected by the earthquake in Haiti are still rebuilding, New Orleans is still recovering from Hurricane Katrina, and even those in Southeast Asia are still rebuilding after the tsunami that hit there in 2004.
In some ways, the aftermath of a natural disaster can be compared to the aftermath of sin. When sins are committed, they can cause considerable damage to relationships, even tearing down strong relationships that have lasted for years. But forgiveness clears away the rubble left by sin and puts us in a position to rebuild our relationships.
This morning we’re going to talk about the aftermath of forgiveness. How should you move forward with someone after forgiveness has been requested and given? We’re going to look at one thing that should take place in all circumstances and one thing that could take place in certain circumstances.
So first of all, what one thing should take place after forgiveness in all circumstances?
I. Reconciliation
Reconciliation is the act of restoring peace to a relationship that has been damaged. Just as forgiveness often feels very unnatural to us, reconciliation does as well. Most of the time, we want to hold someone at arm’s length after they’ve hurt us—at least for a while. Or we may cease giving that person the cold shoulder, but we never warm up to them again, so our relationship just remains lukewarm.
Sometimes we may even attempt a half-hearted reconciliation. There was once a man who was celebrating New Year’s Eve at a party when a man that he had had a fight with came through the door. A mutual friend of these two men spoke to the first man and urged him to reconcile with the second man. He said, “Its so unkind to be unfriendly at this time of year. Go over and wish him a Happy New Year.” So the first man walked across the room and said, “I wish you a Happy New Year—but only one.”
That doesn’t exactly sound like reconciliation, does it? But let me ask if this sounds like forgiveness: imagine that you committed a sin, and you became convicted about your sin, so you prayed to God and confessed your sin and asked Him for forgiveness. Then imagine that you actually heard God speak and He said, “I forgive you, but I’m afraid you can’t be my child anymore. You are forgiven—but I can’t be on good terms with you anymore.” Does that sound like forgiveness? Would you feel forgiven? What would forgiveness even mean in that situation?
The reason that such a response doesn’t feel like forgiveness is that it violates the fourth promise of forgiveness that we talked about a few weeks ago—“I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.” When someone says, “I forgive you,” but they also say, “We can’t have a relationship anymore,” that statement of forgiveness feels hollow, doesn’t it?
That cannot be true forgiveness because it doesn’t follow God’s example. God seeks to reconcile with those who have sinned against Him; He makes peace with them and enters into an ever-deepening relationship. The idea of reconciliation is at the very heart of the Gospel. Colossians 1:21 says that we used to be alienated from God and hostile to Him, but when we accept the King’s terms of peace—when we accept the Lord Jesus as our Savior—God adopts us into His own family! We move from enemy to infant in the family of God, and then He nurtures us along to help us grow in our faith.
That’s a wonderful blessing, and that’s precisely why we must work to rebuild our relationships with each other when they are damaged by sin—because that is how God responds to us. So it is not enough to say, “I forgive you,” and then let your relationship die. True forgiveness lays the foundation upon which a relationship can be rebuilt.
Now, it is not easy to rebuild a damaged relationship. Sometimes we may face some hindrances to reconciliation that we have to overcome. Let me briefly mention two. First, we may have to overcome an incomplete or insincere confession of sin. Most of us dealt with this when we were kids and our parents forced our siblings to apologize to us. Those apologies weren’t always the most sincere, were they? And we could feel it—we knew that our siblings didn’t really mean what they were saying at the moment, and because of that it was hard to make peace with them very quickly.
On the other hand, sometimes we receive a confession that is sincere, but its incomplete. More often than not, an incomplete confession will lack an offer to make restitution. The person who sinned against you has confessed their sin and asked for forgiveness, but they still left you to clean up the mess that their sin created. They haven’t offered to make things right, and in that situation its almost impossible to make the promise that you won’t let the situation hinder your relationship.
So if you receive an incomplete confession like that, you may have to gently press the person to make restitution. You may need to say, “I’m not mad at you anymore, and I would love to forgive you, but here’s what I mean when I say those words”—and then you can spell out those four promises. But then you would have to say, “I just can’t make that fourth promise right now because you’ve left me to pay for all of the damages”—or whatever the case might be. So in order to become reconciled to that person, you may need to gently help them make a complete confession.
Second, we may have to overcome an “all or nothing” view of trust. Many people end relationships after a sin because they say, “I just can’t trust this person anymore.” Behind that statement is the unspoken assumption that trust is all or nothing in a relationship—either I trust you completely without any reservations whatsoever, or I don’t trust you one iota. Its either 100% or 0.
But that’s not really the way that trust works in a relationship. If you’re married, think about the very first time that you met your spouse. Unless you had heard bad things about them, you didn’t distrust them, did you? But at the same time, you didn’t trust them as much as you do now, right? You didn’t immediately reveal all of your deepest secrets and commit the rest of your life to them! No—your trust grew over time, as the relationship grew.
So trust is not “all or nothing” in our relationships. You really can regain your trust as you rebuild your relationship. Depending on the magnitude of the sin, it will take some time, but it will come back if you give it a chance. Incidentally, this is another reason why its so important to make restitution when you have sinned against someone. That act on your part will make it easier for the person you’ve hurt to regain their trust in you, and thus it will make reconciliation that much easier.
So reconciliation should take place every time that forgiveness is requested and given. The goal is to rebuild your relationships to what it used to be—and perhaps it will even grow deeper during this process. It may take some time to rebuild the trust that was broken, but that’s only natural. Now that we’ve discussed something that should happen after forgiveness, I want to discuss one thing that could happen after forgiveness.
II. Imposing Consequences
This is an issue that we have to deal with particularly when we are in positions of leadership or authority, which means that most of us will have to deal with this issue as we raise our kids. The basic question surrounding this issue is this: Would it be wrong to impose ongoing consequences after I’ve forgiven someone? Or to put it another way, does forgiveness mean that I must not impose any ongoing consequences for that person’s behavior?
You can see how this question relates to positions of authority, because this won’t be an issue if you are not in a position to impose consequences. Thus, this issue doesn’t apply to situations like a marriage or a friendship, but almost all of us either have or will have situations where we are responsible for someone else.
So can it be appropriate to impose ongoing consequences after you’ve forgiven someone? I believe the Bible reveals that the answer is “yes.” We can see this very thing take place in the lives of two of the greatest heroes of the Old Testament—Moses and David.
Moses, of course, was the man that God used to free the children of Israel from their slavery in Egypt, and he then served as their leader as they were forced to live in the wilderness for forty years before God allowed them to enter the land that He had promised to give them. Now during that period of time, God performed several miracles through Moses, and at one point in time the people needed water, so God told Moses to gather the people around a certain rock and to speak to the rock, and God would then cause a spring of water to flow out of it. So Moses and his brother, Aaron, gathered the people and Moses said, “Hear now, you rebels: shall we bring water for you out of this rock?” (Num. 20:10). So first, Moses took credit for the miracle. Then, instead of speaking to the rock, he struck it with his walking staff. God went ahead and provided the water, but afterward He spoke to Moses and said, “Because you did not believe in me, to uphold me as holy in the eyes of the people of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land that I have given them” (Num. 20:12).
So Moses faced a sad consequence for his sin—he would not be allowed to lead Israel into the Promised Land. But it is clear that Moses was forgiven of his sin, because his relationship with God did not change after this incident, and in fact he later appears beside Jesus at the Transfiguration, when Jesus allowed some of His disciples to see His heavenly glory shine through His earthly body.
David provides another very clear example of consequences after forgiveness. Why don’t you turn with me to 2 Samuel 12? Just prior to this chapter, King David had committed adultery with a woman named Bathsheba, and he even wound up having her husband killed. These were terrible sins, but David did not repent of them for a while. So God sent the prophet Nathan to confront David, which he did, and we see in v. 13 that David says [READ vv. 13–14]. We see clearly that David was forgiven, and yet he had to face the consequence of losing his child.
So from these examples, I believe we see that it is permissible to impose consequences after forgiveness has taken place. Let me offer a couple of guidelines to think about as we consider this idea. First, consequences should be intended for a person’s spiritual growth. I believe both Moses and David had to face their consequences to learn the severity of their sins. Its one thing to admit that you were wrong, but sometimes you have to learn just how wrong you were. Consequences can help us learn and grow, so in that respect we need to see that consequences should not be seen as a tool for punishment, but a tool for development. If we need to impose consequences, we should do so with the future in mind rather than the past.
So for example, as parents, we may need to impose consequences on our children even after we have forgiven them for a sin, but we should tell them as clearly as we can that we are seeking to help them grow, not to punish them for something that we have already forgiven them for.
For instance, after they make a sinful decision, we may see that they are very susceptible to a certain temptation. Thus, we may decide to impose consequences that will keep them away from that temptation for awhile. Or, we may see that they haven’t yet learned a particular lesson, such as the value of property. If they knew how valuable the car was, they wouldn’t have driven it 80 mph on ice! So perhaps you will impose a consequence to help them learn that lesson.
All you are really doing is turning the situation into a teachable moment. That’s what consequences are all about, and our second guideline emphasizes that. Second, consequences should not be seen as a requirement for “winning back” your love. I’m going to keep this in the context of the parent-child relationship. You must not make your child feel like he or she has to “win back” your love. If that’s true, then forgiveness has not really taken place. Forgiveness repairs the damage that was done to the relationship; consequences are not intended for that. So if you choose to impose consequences, tell your child clearly and repeatedly that you love them and they do not have to win back your love. Make sure they know that they have your love—they simply need to learn some lessons from the situation, and that’s what the consequences are all about.
Occasions where forgiveness is necessary can become great opportunities to have teachable moments. In fact, one of the best ways to teach your children about what it means to forgive is to ask for their forgiveness when you’ve sinned against them. You can model for them what a sincere confession sounds like, and you can discuss what you’re asking them to do when you ask them for forgiveness. Its more pleasant to learn when someone else takes the hard knocks, so if you will take the hard knock of humbling yourself to ask your child for forgiveness, you can teach them a powerful lesson that they won’t soon forget.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Making the First Move--Offering Forgiveness
Jose Maria Narvaez was a Spanish naval officer and soldier during the Mexican war of independence in the early 1800’s. At the end of his life, as he lay on his deathbed, a priest asked him if he had forgiven all of his enemies. Narvaez looked astonished and said, “Father, I have no enemies. I have shot them all.”1
I suppose that is technically one way to get rid of your enemies, but I think Abraham Lincoln pursued an attitude of forgiveness that was much closer to the biblical model. Lincoln was well-known during his life for refusing to hold a grudge against other people. He was once asked why he didn’t pray for his enemies to be defeated, and he responded by saying, “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?”
That statement truly captures the goal of biblical forgiveness—to restore a friendly relationship with another person. When someone sins against you, you may not think of them as an enemy, but nevertheless their sin does put a strain on your relationship that interrupts the peace. But when forgiveness is offered and received, peace can be restored to your relationship.
Last week, we talked about how to respond after you have sinned against someone else, but how should you respond if the tables are turned? How should you respond when someone sins against you—especially if they have not or will not ask for forgiveness? That is the question we will deal with today.
How should I respond when someone sins against me?
The Bible gives us some very clear instructions for this question, however, they do not make for a pill that is easy to swallow. These instructions may feel like bad medicine, but if we will follow them, they will bring about the healing that we seek for our relationships.
1. Forgive the other person in your heart—Mark 11:25
Let’s read this verse to hear this command from the Lord [READ Mark 11:25]. Here Jesus is talking about a moment in which you are praying, so you are probably by yourself and you’re not with the person who has sinned against you. And since you still have something against the person, you haven’t talked to them yet and you haven’t made the four promises that we talked about a few weeks ago.
Yet Jesus says to forgive the person in that moment, as you are praying, so He must be talking about a forgiveness that takes place in your heart. This would be a setting aside of any anger or bitterness that you may feel, or any desire for revenge. This is a step you can take at any time after someone has sinned against you, and as we read in this verse, it has the effect of clearing away any sinful attitudes in your heart that might hinder your relationship with God.
Its very important to realize, however, that our biblical responsibility does not end with this step. There are other commands that we must follow, and in fact, we could view this first step as simply being a preparation for the second step.
2. Go and speak to the person who has hurt you—Matthew 18:15
This is where the pill really becomes hard to swallow, because we want to stop at the first step and call that good enough. After all—we think—the other person hurt me, so shouldn’t he be the one to come to me? He’s the one who needs to make it right, so why should I go to him?
But as we learn in Matthew 18:15, we have a clear command to go and talk to the person, and we’ll find out why in just a moment. But first, let’s hear what this verse has to say [READ Matt. 18:15]. That last line uses a word picture that could literally be translated, “If he listens to you, you have made a profit of one brother.” Its like investing—you make an investment in the relationship, and if your brother repents of his sin, you have now made a profit by gaining back a friend that you had lost because of sin.
Now we see here that we have a clear command to go and talk to the other person. But how should we approach a conversation like that? That is the question that we will focus on now.
1. Go with the right motives
This should go without saying, but experience tells us that it needs to be said a little more often! Now, I am reading out of the English Standard Version, and in Matthew 18:15 this translation leaves a small Greek word untranslated, and in this particular case I think that’s unfortunate because that little word makes a clear connection between Matthew 18:15 and the verses that come before it. It is these verses that describe the motives with which we should approach the person who has sinned against us.
In verses 12–14, Jesus tells a parable that presents God’s desire for those who have strayed from the right path [READ vv. 12–14]. So Jesus tells this parable about God seeking sinners and then He tells us to go to brothers who have sinned against us. Why? Because it reflects the heart of God! God seeks those who are in sin to deliver them from it! After Adam and Eve sinned and hid themselves in the Garden of Eden, God appeared and called out—“Adam, where are you?” And later, when Israel began to desert God and worship idols, He sent prophets to them to call them back to their Creator and Savior. And when they wouldn’t listen to His prophets, He sent His own Son, Jesus, who said, “The Son of Man has come to seek and to save the lost.”
God is moved by His love and compassion to go to those who have sinned against Him and make a way of reconciliation, so we must follow His example. Ultimately, when we go to someone who has wronged us, we must not go as a prosecutor to convict them of their crimes; we must go as a liberator to proclaim forgiveness and to free them from the misery and bondage of their sin.
2. Assume nothing
We make these situations worse all the time because we act on thoughts that we assume to be true but that we haven’t verified. We can actually end up doing wrong to the other person by making false accusations against them.
Follow this train of thought with me: in Ephesians 4:15, we are told to speak the truth to each other in love, and in the description of love that is given in 1 Corinthians 13:7, it says that love “believes all things.” Now that doesn’t mean that love makes you gullible or naïve—it means that love chooses to believe the best about other people. In other words, a loving attitude moves you to give other people the benefit of the doubt.
Now as I said, when we approach these conversations, we often do so with all kinds of assumptions in our minds that we are treating as absolute facts. We are absolutely sure that the other person knows he has hurt us, and what’s more, we know that he intended to inflict the maximum amount of pain that was possible. And we just know that in the days since he hurt us, that person has been sitting at home laughing and twisting his moustache like some kind of villain in a Saturday morning cartoon!
And so many times we indulge in rampant speculation about the other person’s motives and knowledge of the situation and then we approach them with wild accusations that are completely false! No wonder people get defensive when we take that approach. Instead, we must allow love to move us to give others the benefit of the doubt. So when you go to someone, assume the best possible motives for their actions; assume that they don’t realize they’ve hurt you; verify all of your perceptions with them during the course of the conversation. Root out as many assumptions as you can, acknowledge them to yourself, and then verify them with the other person during your conversation.
3. Lay out the facts as you see them
After we have forgiven the other person in our hearts, and we have assessed our motives and our assumptions, then we are ready to have the conversation that we need to have. When you begin this conversation, don’t start by throwing accusations or even by expressing your feelings—start by laying out the facts as you see them. I say lay them out “as you remember them” because we must always remember that we could have misunderstood something or forgotten something.
So when we combine this thought with what we have just said about assumptions, the beginning of our conversation might sound something like this: “Do you remember the conversation that we had last week? Do you remember making some comments about my weight? I know you may not have realized this, but those comments really hurt me.”
Or, if you had to speak to someone about a broken promise, you might say something like this: “Do you remember the conversation we had when we talked about making this agreement? As I remember it, we agreed on this…does that sound right to you?”
By starting your conversation with questions like this, you are verifying your assumptions; you are moving closer toward the truth by establishing the facts. So, if you do eventually have to tell someone that they have done wrong, you will be standing on solid ground rather than relying on a bunch of unverified assumptions.
Now you probably won’t have to talk long before the other person responds in some way, and when they do…
4. Respond appropriately to the other person’s response
The person you are speaking to will probably respond in one of three ways. First, he may reveal some details which show that you’re misunderstood something. The whole situation may have simply resulted from a big misunderstanding. In that case, no sin has been committed, so there’s no need for repentance and forgiveness, and you can simply express how glad you are to have the misunderstanding cleared up.
Second, the person may realize that he has sinned against you and then he might ask for your forgiveness. In that case, you can gladly forgive him and express to him those four promises of forgiveness that we talked about a few weeks ago. When this response takes place, the conversation becomes a blessing to both parties.
Third, it may be established in your conversation that the person has sinned, but he may not be willing to repent of it and confess it. If that is the case, then you will need to gently correct that person and point out their sin. If the other person is a Christian, you should try to point to specific commands so that you’re not simply pitting your opinion against theirs.
Let’s think about this third scenario in light of the example that I mentioned of someone making hurtful comments about your weight. Oftentimes when we hurt someone with our words and then they tell us that we’ve hurt them, we try to pass the blame off on them. We might say, “You need to stop being so sensitive,” or, “What’s the matter, can’t you take a joke?” In reality, we’re saying, “I have the right to say anything I want, and if you get upset about it, that’s your fault!”
If someone responds to you like that, respond to pointing out how the Bible calls us to speak to each other. You could simply say, “I try not to be too sensitive about the things that people say, because I know that I’ve said hurtful things in the past. But Ephesians 4 says that we’re supposed to speak the truth to each other in love, and 1 Corinthians 13 says that love is not rude. I believe your comments to me were rude because you weren’t taking my feelings into account”—and then you might add a specific statement like “in the way you said them” or “in the place that you said them.”
Its unfortunate when we receive that response from someone, but we all know that it does happen. When it does, we must gently confront the person because we must remember why we came to talk to them in the first place—to set them free from the grips of sin. We came to them out of love and compassion, and love is not satisfied when someone clings to sin.
Think of it like when your doctor tells you that you have to make a change in your lifestyle. Your doctor is not trying to be mean or “judgmental”—he is simply looking out for your own good. He is trying to help you avoid doing harm to yourself, and when we talk to someone about their sin, we are doing the same thing.
Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” If we are doing something to hurt ourselves, an enemy will tell us all day long that we’re fine because he wants to see us hurt. But a friend is willing to wound our pride in order to tell us that we’re doing wrong.
We must choose to act like a friend to each other, not an enemy. Christians have gone on for far too long without helping each other escape from sin through loving confrontation. When will we put our foot down and say, “Enough! We will not allow the people we love to go on in sin!” We must follow the example of God and go after the very people who sin against us to help them come back to the right path.
Notes: 1. From http://bible.org/illustration/spanish-patriot Accessed August 31, 2011
I suppose that is technically one way to get rid of your enemies, but I think Abraham Lincoln pursued an attitude of forgiveness that was much closer to the biblical model. Lincoln was well-known during his life for refusing to hold a grudge against other people. He was once asked why he didn’t pray for his enemies to be defeated, and he responded by saying, “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?”
That statement truly captures the goal of biblical forgiveness—to restore a friendly relationship with another person. When someone sins against you, you may not think of them as an enemy, but nevertheless their sin does put a strain on your relationship that interrupts the peace. But when forgiveness is offered and received, peace can be restored to your relationship.
Last week, we talked about how to respond after you have sinned against someone else, but how should you respond if the tables are turned? How should you respond when someone sins against you—especially if they have not or will not ask for forgiveness? That is the question we will deal with today.
How should I respond when someone sins against me?
The Bible gives us some very clear instructions for this question, however, they do not make for a pill that is easy to swallow. These instructions may feel like bad medicine, but if we will follow them, they will bring about the healing that we seek for our relationships.
1. Forgive the other person in your heart—Mark 11:25
Let’s read this verse to hear this command from the Lord [READ Mark 11:25]. Here Jesus is talking about a moment in which you are praying, so you are probably by yourself and you’re not with the person who has sinned against you. And since you still have something against the person, you haven’t talked to them yet and you haven’t made the four promises that we talked about a few weeks ago.
Yet Jesus says to forgive the person in that moment, as you are praying, so He must be talking about a forgiveness that takes place in your heart. This would be a setting aside of any anger or bitterness that you may feel, or any desire for revenge. This is a step you can take at any time after someone has sinned against you, and as we read in this verse, it has the effect of clearing away any sinful attitudes in your heart that might hinder your relationship with God.
Its very important to realize, however, that our biblical responsibility does not end with this step. There are other commands that we must follow, and in fact, we could view this first step as simply being a preparation for the second step.
2. Go and speak to the person who has hurt you—Matthew 18:15
This is where the pill really becomes hard to swallow, because we want to stop at the first step and call that good enough. After all—we think—the other person hurt me, so shouldn’t he be the one to come to me? He’s the one who needs to make it right, so why should I go to him?
But as we learn in Matthew 18:15, we have a clear command to go and talk to the person, and we’ll find out why in just a moment. But first, let’s hear what this verse has to say [READ Matt. 18:15]. That last line uses a word picture that could literally be translated, “If he listens to you, you have made a profit of one brother.” Its like investing—you make an investment in the relationship, and if your brother repents of his sin, you have now made a profit by gaining back a friend that you had lost because of sin.
Now we see here that we have a clear command to go and talk to the other person. But how should we approach a conversation like that? That is the question that we will focus on now.
1. Go with the right motives
This should go without saying, but experience tells us that it needs to be said a little more often! Now, I am reading out of the English Standard Version, and in Matthew 18:15 this translation leaves a small Greek word untranslated, and in this particular case I think that’s unfortunate because that little word makes a clear connection between Matthew 18:15 and the verses that come before it. It is these verses that describe the motives with which we should approach the person who has sinned against us.
In verses 12–14, Jesus tells a parable that presents God’s desire for those who have strayed from the right path [READ vv. 12–14]. So Jesus tells this parable about God seeking sinners and then He tells us to go to brothers who have sinned against us. Why? Because it reflects the heart of God! God seeks those who are in sin to deliver them from it! After Adam and Eve sinned and hid themselves in the Garden of Eden, God appeared and called out—“Adam, where are you?” And later, when Israel began to desert God and worship idols, He sent prophets to them to call them back to their Creator and Savior. And when they wouldn’t listen to His prophets, He sent His own Son, Jesus, who said, “The Son of Man has come to seek and to save the lost.”
God is moved by His love and compassion to go to those who have sinned against Him and make a way of reconciliation, so we must follow His example. Ultimately, when we go to someone who has wronged us, we must not go as a prosecutor to convict them of their crimes; we must go as a liberator to proclaim forgiveness and to free them from the misery and bondage of their sin.
2. Assume nothing
We make these situations worse all the time because we act on thoughts that we assume to be true but that we haven’t verified. We can actually end up doing wrong to the other person by making false accusations against them.
Follow this train of thought with me: in Ephesians 4:15, we are told to speak the truth to each other in love, and in the description of love that is given in 1 Corinthians 13:7, it says that love “believes all things.” Now that doesn’t mean that love makes you gullible or naïve—it means that love chooses to believe the best about other people. In other words, a loving attitude moves you to give other people the benefit of the doubt.
Now as I said, when we approach these conversations, we often do so with all kinds of assumptions in our minds that we are treating as absolute facts. We are absolutely sure that the other person knows he has hurt us, and what’s more, we know that he intended to inflict the maximum amount of pain that was possible. And we just know that in the days since he hurt us, that person has been sitting at home laughing and twisting his moustache like some kind of villain in a Saturday morning cartoon!
And so many times we indulge in rampant speculation about the other person’s motives and knowledge of the situation and then we approach them with wild accusations that are completely false! No wonder people get defensive when we take that approach. Instead, we must allow love to move us to give others the benefit of the doubt. So when you go to someone, assume the best possible motives for their actions; assume that they don’t realize they’ve hurt you; verify all of your perceptions with them during the course of the conversation. Root out as many assumptions as you can, acknowledge them to yourself, and then verify them with the other person during your conversation.
3. Lay out the facts as you see them
After we have forgiven the other person in our hearts, and we have assessed our motives and our assumptions, then we are ready to have the conversation that we need to have. When you begin this conversation, don’t start by throwing accusations or even by expressing your feelings—start by laying out the facts as you see them. I say lay them out “as you remember them” because we must always remember that we could have misunderstood something or forgotten something.
So when we combine this thought with what we have just said about assumptions, the beginning of our conversation might sound something like this: “Do you remember the conversation that we had last week? Do you remember making some comments about my weight? I know you may not have realized this, but those comments really hurt me.”
Or, if you had to speak to someone about a broken promise, you might say something like this: “Do you remember the conversation we had when we talked about making this agreement? As I remember it, we agreed on this…does that sound right to you?”
By starting your conversation with questions like this, you are verifying your assumptions; you are moving closer toward the truth by establishing the facts. So, if you do eventually have to tell someone that they have done wrong, you will be standing on solid ground rather than relying on a bunch of unverified assumptions.
Now you probably won’t have to talk long before the other person responds in some way, and when they do…
4. Respond appropriately to the other person’s response
The person you are speaking to will probably respond in one of three ways. First, he may reveal some details which show that you’re misunderstood something. The whole situation may have simply resulted from a big misunderstanding. In that case, no sin has been committed, so there’s no need for repentance and forgiveness, and you can simply express how glad you are to have the misunderstanding cleared up.
Second, the person may realize that he has sinned against you and then he might ask for your forgiveness. In that case, you can gladly forgive him and express to him those four promises of forgiveness that we talked about a few weeks ago. When this response takes place, the conversation becomes a blessing to both parties.
Third, it may be established in your conversation that the person has sinned, but he may not be willing to repent of it and confess it. If that is the case, then you will need to gently correct that person and point out their sin. If the other person is a Christian, you should try to point to specific commands so that you’re not simply pitting your opinion against theirs.
Let’s think about this third scenario in light of the example that I mentioned of someone making hurtful comments about your weight. Oftentimes when we hurt someone with our words and then they tell us that we’ve hurt them, we try to pass the blame off on them. We might say, “You need to stop being so sensitive,” or, “What’s the matter, can’t you take a joke?” In reality, we’re saying, “I have the right to say anything I want, and if you get upset about it, that’s your fault!”
If someone responds to you like that, respond to pointing out how the Bible calls us to speak to each other. You could simply say, “I try not to be too sensitive about the things that people say, because I know that I’ve said hurtful things in the past. But Ephesians 4 says that we’re supposed to speak the truth to each other in love, and 1 Corinthians 13 says that love is not rude. I believe your comments to me were rude because you weren’t taking my feelings into account”—and then you might add a specific statement like “in the way you said them” or “in the place that you said them.”
Its unfortunate when we receive that response from someone, but we all know that it does happen. When it does, we must gently confront the person because we must remember why we came to talk to them in the first place—to set them free from the grips of sin. We came to them out of love and compassion, and love is not satisfied when someone clings to sin.
Think of it like when your doctor tells you that you have to make a change in your lifestyle. Your doctor is not trying to be mean or “judgmental”—he is simply looking out for your own good. He is trying to help you avoid doing harm to yourself, and when we talk to someone about their sin, we are doing the same thing.
Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” If we are doing something to hurt ourselves, an enemy will tell us all day long that we’re fine because he wants to see us hurt. But a friend is willing to wound our pride in order to tell us that we’re doing wrong.
We must choose to act like a friend to each other, not an enemy. Christians have gone on for far too long without helping each other escape from sin through loving confrontation. When will we put our foot down and say, “Enough! We will not allow the people we love to go on in sin!” We must follow the example of God and go after the very people who sin against us to help them come back to the right path.
Notes: 1. From http://bible.org/illustration/spanish-patriot Accessed August 31, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)