Its interesting to watch commercials and think about how the companies are trying to sell their products. Oftentimes, their commercials seem to suggest that all of our wildest dreams will come true if we buy their product. We will reach a whole new level of fulfillment and enjoyment in life that simply would not be possible without their product!
Imagine with me for a moment that a company created a product that could actually live up to that kind of hype. This product really could give you a level of fulfillment and enjoyment that is matched by almost nothing else in the world. That would be quite a product, wouldn’t it? I think every one of us would want to own something like that!
There is, however, one little catch with this product—if you use it incorrectly, it will introduce emotional pain into your life like nothing you’ve felt before. That raises the stakes, doesn’t it? So this product is capable of giving you the highest highs and the lowest lows. I hope they would mark the box, “handle with care!”
Now if you had a product like that, I’m sure you would read the instruction manual to find out how to use it correctly. You wouldn’t want to take the chance of bringing that kind of emotional pain into your life.
Well, as you know, there is no such product like this in the world, but we all have something that is capable of giving us the highest highs and the lowest lows, and it is called our family. Family relationships can be one of your greatest sources of fulfillment and enjoyment in life, but they can also bring you hurt and pain like virtually nothing else. The difference lies in the way that we handle those relationships, so we would be wise to read the instructions given to us by the creator of the family, God Himself.
Today we’re going to take a look at what the book of Proverbs has to say about family relationships, and we’ll answer this question together:
How should we handle our family relationships?
I. Obey and honor your parents
I won’t spend much time talking about obeying your parents, because we’ve already discussed that in a previous sermon. Let’s just touch on a few verses here. Look at Prov. 23:22 [READ 23:22]. The first part of that verse tells us to “listen” to our parents, and the point of course is that we would take to heart what they have to say and then do it. Several other verses tell us that we will bring tremendous happiness to our parents if we will obey them, because by doing so we will display wisdom [READ 23:15–16, 23:24–25].
Its difficult to understand the emotional impact that you have on your parents until you become a parent yourself. You can think of it kind of like this—emotionally speaking, its like there’s a gun aimed at your parents’ hearts at all times, and your finger is on the trigger. Through your choices, you can either fill their hearts with holes, or you can leave them filled with joy. This is true even when you’re grown and out of the house, so just remember the emotional impact that your choices have on your parents.
Notice one more thing about Prov. 23:22. The second part of the verse says, “do not despise your mother when she is old.” Think about that for a moment—when your parents are old, you will be an adult by that time, so according to this verse, we need to consider our relationship with our parents even when we are adults. Our obligations to our parents don’t change when we exit the teenage years!
Now from a biblical perspective, we are no longer asked to obey our parents in our adult years, but as this and other verses say, we are still called to honor them. So no matter what stage of life you’re in, if your parents are still living, you still have an obligation to them. How sad it is to think that we might “despise” our parents! That word means that we would treat them as though they have little value, as though they are not worthy of our attention or our concern. How sad it is to think that we might have such a mindset! Our parents have given us so much, and they deserve honor from us in return.
II. Remember that your spouse is a gift from the Lord
Marriage has been the source of countless jokes over the years about the way that husbands and wives relate. We joke at times about nagging wives or stubborn husbands, but one reality that’s no joke is that if you have a good spouse, you truly have a gift from God. Look with me at Prov. 18:22 [READ 18:22]. No jokes, please, about how the verse doesn’t mention husbands! Remember, King Solomon—a man—wrote these words, so naturally he writes about a wife, but these words are just as true of a husband.
Next, turn with me to Prov. 19:14 [READ 19:14]. What a beautiful way to think about your spouse! A house and wealth are very nice things to have, but Solomon says that humans can give us that stuff. A prudent or wise spouse on the other hand—that is a blessing that only God can give.
That’s God’s desire when He gives us a spouse—He desires to bless us, to give us something that will be a source of goodness and joy in our lives. What a difference it would make in our marriages if we remembered to think of our spouses in that light! How about if we told each other regularly, “You are a blessing from God in my life?” Ladies, wouldn’t your hearts melt if you heard that from your husband? Men, wouldn’t you stand up just a little bit taller if you heard that message from your wife? This would certainly be an improvement over the other ways that we could think of our spouses—such as a hindrance, or a ball and chain, or a leash!
Now it is certainly true that our spouses do not always turn out to be a source of blessing for us. Sometimes through their choices they bring tremendous pain into our lives (and actually, we’re going to talk about this in just a moment). But as Christians, we of all people should know that exceptions do not disprove this rule. That would be like saying that a kite flying in the air disproves the law of gravity! God intends for your marriage to be a blessing in your life, and it will be if you follow His instructions for your marriage.
III. Remember the grief you can cause by being a quarrelsome spouse
As a husband or wife, you have a tremendous capacity to make life either sweet or sour for your spouse. In fact, you can make life within your home almost unbearable! Look with me at Prov. 21:9 [READ 21:9]. Now men, don’t say “amen” too loudly here! Just be careful! And remember, verses like this apply to both a husband and a wife; Solomon simply writes about a wife since he’s writing from his perspective as a man.
Let me explain some cultural background here that will help us understand what Solomon means by living “in a corner of the housetop.” In those days, the Jewish people built their homes with a flat roof. They weren’t angled like ours; they were flat, and they often served as some extra living space—kind of like a patio. It was common for people to build a small room on the roof that basically served as a guest bedroom.
So in more modern terms, Solomon is basically saying that its better to live out in the guesthouse than in a home with a quarrelsome spouse. That word “quarrelsome” basically refers to someone who is always ready for a fight. This person is an argument waiting to happen. I hope that doesn’t characterize you, but we’re all like that to a certain extent. We all have our limits, don’t we? We all have things that can set us off. Some of us will lose our cool and throw a tantrum, and others of us will shift into “cold war” mode and refuse to make eye contact with the other person the rest of the day.
When we make choices to respond like that, we make home life almost unbearable for the other person. The home is supposed to be a sanctuary, an escape from all the troubles and battles of life. But when we bring those battles into the home by choosing to be contentious and argumentative, that peacefulness evaporates until we kick those sinful choices out the door.
Solomon makes a very similar statement in 21:19 when he says, [READ 21:19]. It wouldn’t be very comfortable to live in a desert, but at least there you could get some peace and quiet! We must not destroy the environment of the home through sinful choices. Fighting will cause peace to move out, and when peace is gone a home is a very empty place.
IV. Understand that a peaceful family life is better than wealth with hatred
Nothing is worth more than peaceful and loving relationships in your family. Let’s read Prov. 15:17 [READ 15:17]. In today’s terms we might say that a salad dressed with love is better than steak with a side of hatred. Prov. 17:1 spells out the same idea [READ 17:1].
In each of these verses, two families are compared according to two criteria—the wealth or affluence of the family, and the quality of their relationships. The first family in each verse is getting along with humble means, whereas the second family is enjoying the so-called “finer things in life.” Solomon then assigns either love or hatred to their relationships to make a point that can be stated one of two ways—we can say that wealth will never compensate for a lack of love in a family, or we can flip it around and say that love will more than make up for any lack of material things in the home.
Now Solomon is not saying that wealthy families are more likely to hate each other or that poor families are more likely to love each other. He is simply saying that if we have to choose between loving relationships in the home or wealth in the home, loving relationships win every time.
So this lesson, then, should shape the priorities that we set for our homes. Our top priority should be to cultivate peaceful, loving relationships in our homes. That goal should be second to none, but these proverbs warn us about the danger of allowing our families to suffer as we pursue wealth.
This is a lesson that our culture really does not understand today. In a survey conducted for a life insurance company, 35 percent of respondents said that lack of family time is the most important reason for the decline in family values. However, despite their expressed desire for more family time, two-thirds of those surveyed say they would probably accept a job that required more time away from home if it offered higher income or greater prestige.1
Where’s the logic in this? Two-thirds said they would probably sacrifice more family time for more money even though half of those people said that lack of family time was the biggest threat to their family! Somewhere along the line we have bought into the lie that we can rob our children of the time and effort it takes to build love and yet somehow pay it back to them with designer clothes and a fancy car! Friends, clothes from The Gap will never fill the gap in your child’s heart if you sacrifice your relationship with them to pursue wealth. Whatever you gain materially, you will lose even more emotionally if you leave behind a lack of peace and love in your home.
As human beings, we are all someone’s child, and many of us are also someone’s spouse, and someone’s parent. We all have much to gain or much to lose depending on how we handle our family relationships. Solomon was a man who saw this first-hand in his own family. His father, King David, was a very wealthy man, but David made some choices that brought violence and hatred into his home, which undoubtedly grieved him the rest of his life. So let’s learn from a man who has lived through some of these things and take his godly advice to heart.
1. Moody Monthly, December, 1989, p. 72.
From http://bible.org/illustration/greatest-threat-family
Accessed 4/4/11
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