Rebuilding after something is unexpectedly torn down can often take some time. Natural disasters provide a perfect example of this. Those who have not been affected by a natural disaster can easily forget its aftermath, because we often turn our minds elsewhere as soon as the TV crews stop reporting from the location. But as I speak today, the residents of Joplin are still trying to rebuild, the people of Japan are still rebuilding after their tsunami, those who were affected by the earthquake in Haiti are still rebuilding, New Orleans is still recovering from Hurricane Katrina, and even those in Southeast Asia are still rebuilding after the tsunami that hit there in 2004.
In some ways, the aftermath of a natural disaster can be compared to the aftermath of sin. When sins are committed, they can cause considerable damage to relationships, even tearing down strong relationships that have lasted for years. But forgiveness clears away the rubble left by sin and puts us in a position to rebuild our relationships.
This morning we’re going to talk about the aftermath of forgiveness. How should you move forward with someone after forgiveness has been requested and given? We’re going to look at one thing that should take place in all circumstances and one thing that could take place in certain circumstances.
So first of all, what one thing should take place after forgiveness in all circumstances?
I. Reconciliation
Reconciliation is the act of restoring peace to a relationship that has been damaged. Just as forgiveness often feels very unnatural to us, reconciliation does as well. Most of the time, we want to hold someone at arm’s length after they’ve hurt us—at least for a while. Or we may cease giving that person the cold shoulder, but we never warm up to them again, so our relationship just remains lukewarm.
Sometimes we may even attempt a half-hearted reconciliation. There was once a man who was celebrating New Year’s Eve at a party when a man that he had had a fight with came through the door. A mutual friend of these two men spoke to the first man and urged him to reconcile with the second man. He said, “Its so unkind to be unfriendly at this time of year. Go over and wish him a Happy New Year.” So the first man walked across the room and said, “I wish you a Happy New Year—but only one.”
That doesn’t exactly sound like reconciliation, does it? But let me ask if this sounds like forgiveness: imagine that you committed a sin, and you became convicted about your sin, so you prayed to God and confessed your sin and asked Him for forgiveness. Then imagine that you actually heard God speak and He said, “I forgive you, but I’m afraid you can’t be my child anymore. You are forgiven—but I can’t be on good terms with you anymore.” Does that sound like forgiveness? Would you feel forgiven? What would forgiveness even mean in that situation?
The reason that such a response doesn’t feel like forgiveness is that it violates the fourth promise of forgiveness that we talked about a few weeks ago—“I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.” When someone says, “I forgive you,” but they also say, “We can’t have a relationship anymore,” that statement of forgiveness feels hollow, doesn’t it?
That cannot be true forgiveness because it doesn’t follow God’s example. God seeks to reconcile with those who have sinned against Him; He makes peace with them and enters into an ever-deepening relationship. The idea of reconciliation is at the very heart of the Gospel. Colossians 1:21 says that we used to be alienated from God and hostile to Him, but when we accept the King’s terms of peace—when we accept the Lord Jesus as our Savior—God adopts us into His own family! We move from enemy to infant in the family of God, and then He nurtures us along to help us grow in our faith.
That’s a wonderful blessing, and that’s precisely why we must work to rebuild our relationships with each other when they are damaged by sin—because that is how God responds to us. So it is not enough to say, “I forgive you,” and then let your relationship die. True forgiveness lays the foundation upon which a relationship can be rebuilt.
Now, it is not easy to rebuild a damaged relationship. Sometimes we may face some hindrances to reconciliation that we have to overcome. Let me briefly mention two. First, we may have to overcome an incomplete or insincere confession of sin. Most of us dealt with this when we were kids and our parents forced our siblings to apologize to us. Those apologies weren’t always the most sincere, were they? And we could feel it—we knew that our siblings didn’t really mean what they were saying at the moment, and because of that it was hard to make peace with them very quickly.
On the other hand, sometimes we receive a confession that is sincere, but its incomplete. More often than not, an incomplete confession will lack an offer to make restitution. The person who sinned against you has confessed their sin and asked for forgiveness, but they still left you to clean up the mess that their sin created. They haven’t offered to make things right, and in that situation its almost impossible to make the promise that you won’t let the situation hinder your relationship.
So if you receive an incomplete confession like that, you may have to gently press the person to make restitution. You may need to say, “I’m not mad at you anymore, and I would love to forgive you, but here’s what I mean when I say those words”—and then you can spell out those four promises. But then you would have to say, “I just can’t make that fourth promise right now because you’ve left me to pay for all of the damages”—or whatever the case might be. So in order to become reconciled to that person, you may need to gently help them make a complete confession.
Second, we may have to overcome an “all or nothing” view of trust. Many people end relationships after a sin because they say, “I just can’t trust this person anymore.” Behind that statement is the unspoken assumption that trust is all or nothing in a relationship—either I trust you completely without any reservations whatsoever, or I don’t trust you one iota. Its either 100% or 0.
But that’s not really the way that trust works in a relationship. If you’re married, think about the very first time that you met your spouse. Unless you had heard bad things about them, you didn’t distrust them, did you? But at the same time, you didn’t trust them as much as you do now, right? You didn’t immediately reveal all of your deepest secrets and commit the rest of your life to them! No—your trust grew over time, as the relationship grew.
So trust is not “all or nothing” in our relationships. You really can regain your trust as you rebuild your relationship. Depending on the magnitude of the sin, it will take some time, but it will come back if you give it a chance. Incidentally, this is another reason why its so important to make restitution when you have sinned against someone. That act on your part will make it easier for the person you’ve hurt to regain their trust in you, and thus it will make reconciliation that much easier.
So reconciliation should take place every time that forgiveness is requested and given. The goal is to rebuild your relationships to what it used to be—and perhaps it will even grow deeper during this process. It may take some time to rebuild the trust that was broken, but that’s only natural. Now that we’ve discussed something that should happen after forgiveness, I want to discuss one thing that could happen after forgiveness.
II. Imposing Consequences
This is an issue that we have to deal with particularly when we are in positions of leadership or authority, which means that most of us will have to deal with this issue as we raise our kids. The basic question surrounding this issue is this: Would it be wrong to impose ongoing consequences after I’ve forgiven someone? Or to put it another way, does forgiveness mean that I must not impose any ongoing consequences for that person’s behavior?
You can see how this question relates to positions of authority, because this won’t be an issue if you are not in a position to impose consequences. Thus, this issue doesn’t apply to situations like a marriage or a friendship, but almost all of us either have or will have situations where we are responsible for someone else.
So can it be appropriate to impose ongoing consequences after you’ve forgiven someone? I believe the Bible reveals that the answer is “yes.” We can see this very thing take place in the lives of two of the greatest heroes of the Old Testament—Moses and David.
Moses, of course, was the man that God used to free the children of Israel from their slavery in Egypt, and he then served as their leader as they were forced to live in the wilderness for forty years before God allowed them to enter the land that He had promised to give them. Now during that period of time, God performed several miracles through Moses, and at one point in time the people needed water, so God told Moses to gather the people around a certain rock and to speak to the rock, and God would then cause a spring of water to flow out of it. So Moses and his brother, Aaron, gathered the people and Moses said, “Hear now, you rebels: shall we bring water for you out of this rock?” (Num. 20:10). So first, Moses took credit for the miracle. Then, instead of speaking to the rock, he struck it with his walking staff. God went ahead and provided the water, but afterward He spoke to Moses and said, “Because you did not believe in me, to uphold me as holy in the eyes of the people of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land that I have given them” (Num. 20:12).
So Moses faced a sad consequence for his sin—he would not be allowed to lead Israel into the Promised Land. But it is clear that Moses was forgiven of his sin, because his relationship with God did not change after this incident, and in fact he later appears beside Jesus at the Transfiguration, when Jesus allowed some of His disciples to see His heavenly glory shine through His earthly body.
David provides another very clear example of consequences after forgiveness. Why don’t you turn with me to 2 Samuel 12? Just prior to this chapter, King David had committed adultery with a woman named Bathsheba, and he even wound up having her husband killed. These were terrible sins, but David did not repent of them for a while. So God sent the prophet Nathan to confront David, which he did, and we see in v. 13 that David says [READ vv. 13–14]. We see clearly that David was forgiven, and yet he had to face the consequence of losing his child.
So from these examples, I believe we see that it is permissible to impose consequences after forgiveness has taken place. Let me offer a couple of guidelines to think about as we consider this idea. First, consequences should be intended for a person’s spiritual growth. I believe both Moses and David had to face their consequences to learn the severity of their sins. Its one thing to admit that you were wrong, but sometimes you have to learn just how wrong you were. Consequences can help us learn and grow, so in that respect we need to see that consequences should not be seen as a tool for punishment, but a tool for development. If we need to impose consequences, we should do so with the future in mind rather than the past.
So for example, as parents, we may need to impose consequences on our children even after we have forgiven them for a sin, but we should tell them as clearly as we can that we are seeking to help them grow, not to punish them for something that we have already forgiven them for.
For instance, after they make a sinful decision, we may see that they are very susceptible to a certain temptation. Thus, we may decide to impose consequences that will keep them away from that temptation for awhile. Or, we may see that they haven’t yet learned a particular lesson, such as the value of property. If they knew how valuable the car was, they wouldn’t have driven it 80 mph on ice! So perhaps you will impose a consequence to help them learn that lesson.
All you are really doing is turning the situation into a teachable moment. That’s what consequences are all about, and our second guideline emphasizes that. Second, consequences should not be seen as a requirement for “winning back” your love. I’m going to keep this in the context of the parent-child relationship. You must not make your child feel like he or she has to “win back” your love. If that’s true, then forgiveness has not really taken place. Forgiveness repairs the damage that was done to the relationship; consequences are not intended for that. So if you choose to impose consequences, tell your child clearly and repeatedly that you love them and they do not have to win back your love. Make sure they know that they have your love—they simply need to learn some lessons from the situation, and that’s what the consequences are all about.
Occasions where forgiveness is necessary can become great opportunities to have teachable moments. In fact, one of the best ways to teach your children about what it means to forgive is to ask for their forgiveness when you’ve sinned against them. You can model for them what a sincere confession sounds like, and you can discuss what you’re asking them to do when you ask them for forgiveness. Its more pleasant to learn when someone else takes the hard knocks, so if you will take the hard knock of humbling yourself to ask your child for forgiveness, you can teach them a powerful lesson that they won’t soon forget.
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