Uprooting Myths about Forgiveness

The invention of e-mail has made it possible for myths, urban legends, and outright lies to spread like wildfire. I’m sure many of us have received e-mails from people claiming to be African princes who need our help with a bank transfer, or people claiming to be lawyers who have found inheritance money for us. These e-mails can unfortunately be devastating for people who are tricked by them.

The same can be said for myths and incorrect ideas that we buy into. It has often been said that “ideas have consequences,” and that statement is absolutely correct. Ideas are more powerful than we often realize because their influence in our lives can be so subtle. Not every idea will lead you to go out and start a revolution, but some ideas will lead you through a series of small choices that wind up changing your life forever.

Today we are going to discuss some false ideas about forgiveness—some myths that have sprung up like weeds in a beautiful garden. If we don’t uproot these myths, they could choke out the truth about forgiveness in our minds. So this morning, we are going to look at four myths about forgiveness—some that you may have thought about before, and some that you may have never considered.

1. “I haven’t truly forgiven someone until I’ve forgotten all about their sin.”

This myth is based on the old phrase “forgive and forget.” I imagine that phrase began as a clever sermon title that has probably been taken out of context over the years. Unfortunately, this myth has lead to a lot of misunderstanding about the true nature of forgiveness, which in turn has lead many people to deal with unnecessary feelings of guilt for failing to live up to this false standard.

Within the church at least, I think this myth is based on a misunderstanding of God’s example of forgiveness. Verses like Jeremiah 31:34 and Isaiah 43:25 state that when God forgives us, He makes the promise, “I will remember your sins no more.” Some people may have concluded from these statements that God forgets about our sins, but that would be an incorrect conclusion. Since God knows everything, He cannot actually forget anything; He cannot lose information from His mind.

These statements are actually statements of the will; they are promises from God, and a promise is an active choice, not a passive act like forgetting about something. You can’t promise to forget something, because if you try to forget something, you will simply keep that thing in the forefront of your mind.

Instead, God is simply saying that He won’t dwell on our sins; He won’t bring them to mind when He thinks about us. He doesn’t forget that our sins took place, but He chooses not to let them define the way that He thinks about us.

So if that is the choice that God makes, that is the true standard for us as well. We are not expected to completely forget that an incident took place, as though we could wake up one day and say, “Oh, I completely forgot that you stole $1,000 from me!” We are simply called not to dwell on it or brood over it. Unfortunately, some people carry around the idea that they are unforgiving because they can’t forget the sins that were committed against them. But remember—forgiveness is a promise; it is a commitment that you make, and just like any commitment it will get tested. Just because an incident may come to mind someday doesn’t mean you haven’t truly forgiven the person—it simply means that your commitment is being tested. But as long as you choose not to deliberately dwell on a person’s sins or to use them to feed bitterness, then you can be confident that you have kept that commitment.

2. “I need to ask for forgiveness anytime someone is upset with me.”

Sometimes asking for forgiveness is our automatic response when a person is upset with us. We immediately want to diffuse the situation, and an apology feels like a good way to do that. So, we may offer a vague apology like, “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you.” In reality, what you’re thinking is this: “I have no idea what you’re upset about, but I want to get you off my back, so I’ll tell you what I think you want to hear.”

Truthfully, we shouldn’t rush to ask for forgiveness simply because someone is upset with us. The Bible sometimes uses a financial metaphor to describe forgiveness, so let’s think about forgiveness in financial terms for a moment. When we talk about forgiving a debt, that means that we choose not to require a person to pay back money that they owe us. But let’s assume for a moment that you have no debts to me; you do not owe me a penny. But let’s say that I walk up to you and say, “Hey! Where’s that $50 that you owe me?” How would you respond? Would you say, “Oh, would you please forgive that debt?” No! You would say, “What $50? I don’t owe you $50!” You’re not going to ask me to forgive that debt unless you actually owe it.

The same principle applies when we talk about forgiveness of sins. You shouldn’t ask for forgiveness unless you’re convinced that you’ve sinned against someone. Remember—one of the key elements of a true confession is repentance, which is changing your mind about the way you’ve behaved. But if you don’t believe you’ve done anything wrong, then you can’t repent, which means that your confession would be a sham. Nothing is truly resolved through a so-called “confession” like that.

Unfortunately, I think we often allow manipulative people to get away with manipulation by asking them to forgive us when we haven’t done anything wrong. Some people have mastered the art of acting upset in order to get their way, because they know that many people will simply try to pacify them. But we can’t let ourselves get sucked into that game. If we’re not convinced that we’ve done anything wrong, then we must not apologize.

Now if someone is upset with you, you should certainly consider whether you’ve done anything to sin against them. You don’t want to brush aside what they’re saying without thinking about it. If you come to realize that you have in fact sinned, then make an honest confession and offer to make restitution. But if you’re still not convinced that you’ve sinned, then make that known to the person in a kind way. If they continue to be upset with you, it may be necessary to ask a third party to help the two of you resolve the situation. An impartial opinion could help one of you change your mind and then take steps to put the matter to rest.

3. “There may be times when I need to forgive God for the circumstances that I’ve dealt with in life.”

This myth is a sinister one because it involves not only a misunderstanding about forgiveness, but a misunderstanding about God as well! It is based on the assumption that God can do wrong by allowing us to go through difficult circumstances, but this assumption doesn’t line up with the truth. By definition, God can do no wrong because His character is the standard by which right and wrong are determined. And since His actions flow from His character, His actions are always right.

In fact, the idea that we can declare that God has done wrong is actually a subtle form of idolatry. In order to say that God has done wrong, we have to put ourselves in a position to judge God. We actually enthrone our own opinions as the final standard of right and wrong, which means that we are putting ourselves in the place of God.

Now, it seems that some people have suggested the idea of forgiving God as a way to try and get rid of feelings of anger and bitterness toward God, but that is really an unhealthy way to deal with our feelings. Its like telling a recovering alcoholic to have a drink so that his withdrawal symptoms go away. The drink might make him feel better for a while, but it doesn’t accomplish the overall purpose of getting him off the alcohol.

Likewise, telling God that we forgive Him might make us feel a little better, but it won’t solve the real problem. In reality, if I am angry and bitter toward God because I think He has wronged me, I need to ask for forgiveness, not the other way around! I need to repent of my attitude that makes me think I can tell God that He’s wrong. That will bring about a true and proper resolution of my feelings.

4. “There may be times when I need to forgive myself for things that I’ve done.”

This myth is very widespread in our world today. If you read self-help books, magazines, or blogs—even from some Christian authors!—you will hear all about the need to forgive yourself if you are dealing with feelings of guilt for something that you have done. But this myth is like the previous one—it points us in a direction that may take the edge off of our emotions, but it’s a false idea that doesn’t truly resolve the underlying problems.

Think through this idea with me from a biblical perspective. As I mentioned before, the Bible in some places uses a financial analogy to help us understand sin and forgiveness, and its helpful to think in those terms for this discussion. To use a financial term, sin creates a debt between two people that must be resolved through confession and forgiveness. Forgiveness declares that the debt has been paid in full.

Now, if you consider your own finances, it is impossible to be in debt to yourself. You cannot owe yourself a debt that would need to be forgiven. The same principle holds true with sin. You cannot technically sin against yourself, and thus there is no need for you to forgive yourself.

But perhaps you’re thinking, “Wait a minute! Can’t I sin against myself? I can harm myself, can’t I? I can physically harm myself, or I can beat myself up emotionally or psychologically. So wouldn’t I need to forgive myself for something like that?”

That objection sounds convincing at first, doesn’t it? But think of forgiveness in terms of personal property for a moment. If I damage someone’s property, I need to ask the owner of the property for forgiveness, right? So when we think about harming ourselves, we need to ask the question, “Who owns me? Whose property am I?” Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:19–20, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” Thus, if you do something to harm yourself, you are damaging God’s property, and thus you must ask Him for forgiveness, not yourself!

Now sometimes we do ask God for forgiveness, but because we’ve heard about this myth, we may find ourselves saying, “I believe God has forgiven me, but I just can’t forgive myself!” Think about what we’re communicating with a statement like that. We’re basically saying that God’s forgiveness is not sufficient; it is not enough—there is an additional forgiveness that is necessary, a higher forgiveness that I can only grant myself. My friends—that is idolatry! We must not go down this path in our minds.

Now most of the time when we say that we can’t forgive ourselves, we are dealing with severe guilt over something we’ve done, and by saying that we can’t forgive ourselves, we are trying to hang on to that guilt, because we think that if we can make ourselves feel guilty enough, then we will never commit those actions again. It’s a good desire not to commit those actions again, but hanging on to guilt is not the right way to pursue that goal.

There is a much better way of making changes in our lives, and that is by embracing God’s truth. If we will take God at His Word, we will see that His forgiveness is sufficient! He has wiped away our guilt, so instead of hanging on to something that is no longer there, we can focus on changing the attitudes and behaviors that lead to the sin in the first place. That is when change will truly take place.

As Jesus said in John 8:31–32, “If you abide in my word…you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” It is dangerous to make our decisions based on ideas that are actually nothing more than myths, and the subject of forgiveness has enough myths to keep us in doubt and confusion. But the light of God’s Word cuts through the fog of myth and allows us to enjoy the benefits of God’s true plan of forgiveness, both for our own sins, and for those that others commit against us.