Bill Cosby built a career on the humor that arises from the everyday life of the family. In some of his stand-up routines, he used to describe the way his father would discipline him, and he talked about how his dad was fond of saying, “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!” I think that line even made it into some of the episodes of “The Cosby Show.”
Making jokes about the physical discipline of a child got a lot of laughs back then, but I suspect that the reaction would be much different today. There may have been some people who were offended by it back then—I really don’t know—but I suspect that there would be some outrage today. There would probably be a Facebook page calling for a boycott of Bill Cosby and a protest outside the offices of the network that aired his show. There might even be a congressional investigation into any potential connections between TV shows and child abuse.
Attitudes about child discipline have greatly changed in our country over the last few decades, and as a result many parents are asking questions about what is and what is not an acceptable way to discipline their children. Most of the debate and discussion today revolves around the practice of spanking. Is spanking really an acceptable method of discipline, or does it actually make children more aggressive and defiant?
As Christians, our first question should always be, “What does the Bible say about child discipline?” Since we have been studying the book of Proverbs lately, we’re going to take a look this morning at what Proverbs in particular has to say about this subject.
What does Proverbs teach about child discipline?
I. Parents must exert proper discipline on their children
According to the book of Proverbs, disciplining your children is one of the most serious responsibilities that you have as a parent. In fact, Proverbs says that your willingness to discipline your child reveals whether you love them or hate them! But what does Proverbs say about how to discipline your children? That will be our main focus today.
a. Parental discipline should include appropriate physical pain when necessary (13:24, 22:15, 23:13–14, 29:15)
This is easily the most controversial point from the teaching of Proverbs, and we’ll address that controversy in a moment. But first, let’s read the verses in question [READ 13:24, 22:15, 23:13–14, 29:15]. All of these verses speak of using a rod to discipline your children, and it seems quite clear that the verses are talking about striking your children in an appropriate way to use physical pain as a means of discipline.
Now the very idea of using physical pain to discipline your children is very controversial today. A number of pediatricians and psychologists are convinced that something like spanking can only have detrimental effects on your children. In fact, if you listen to some of them, it is almost a miracle that I’m standing before you today. I was spanked as a child, and according to their predictions, I should be a very aggressive adult who is vengeful and who uses violence to impose my will on other people. It is likely that I should be using drugs to mask the pain from my childhood years, and it is far more likely that I should be in prison rather than behind a pulpit.
I ran across one article online in which the author opposed spanking, and at the end of his article he used a series of questions and answers to sum up his main points. Here are a few of his questions and answers:
Q: What do virtually all juvenile delinquents have in common?
A: They have been raised by spankers.
Q: What was a common feature of the childhoods of Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein and Charles Manson?
A: Each one was relentlessly, severely, physically punished.
Q: What do most prisoners on death row have in common?
A: Plenty of spankings during childhood.
Q: Which child is destined never to join the company of felons?
A: One who is raised in a nurturing, attentive, supportive, non-spanking family.1
So according to that author, the case is closed—using a physical punishment like spanking will cause your child to be a juvenile delinquent and end up in prison. One pediatrician wrote, “Spanking demonstrates that it's all right for people to hit people, and especially for big people to hit little people, and stronger people to hit weaker people. Children learn that when you have a problem you solve it with a good swat.”2
Now it should be noted that many critics of spanking fail to distinguish between spanking and child abuse. Even when we consider spanking, there are correct ways to do it, and incorrect ways to do it. But many critics place all forms of physical punishment into the same category, which is not an accurate way to assess them. Now we should be very clear at this point that the Bible never condones child abuse. We are not talking about causing severe, lasting harm to your child—we’re talking about pain that is significant but moderate. That’s why Solomon could say, “If you strike your child with a rod, he will not die.” He was so confident about that because he was talking about a physical punishment that was nowhere near bringing the child to the point of death.
All in all, if we take the Bible at its word, it is clear that appropriate physical punishment should be used when necessary. According to Proverbs, this is an effective and necessary way to train our children. Now at this point, it may be tempting to think, “Okay, I understand that people spanked their children back then, but haven’t we developed better methods of discipline today—methods that are more humane? Don’t we know more today about child psychology and development?” This line of thinking really challenges us to assess what we think the Bible really is. Is it simply a collection of human wisdom and understanding, or does it really contain wisdom from God? If it is just a collection of human wisdom, then we might be justified in thinking that we have better ways of living today, but if this book is truly wisdom from God, should we not believe that He knows what He’s talking about? Are we really supposed to believe that God didn’t understand child psychology when He inspired these verses?
Friends, God knows us inside and out. He knows what we need and He knows how we work. If he says that the proper use of physical punishment is good for our children, then we should believe Him and act accordingly.
But how do we make a proper use of physical punishment? Proverbs gives us some important guidelines.
b. Parental discipline should be applied in a spirit of love (13:24)
Disciplining your children is ultimately an expression of love for them, and that must be your motivation and your spirit when you carry out your discipline. Let’s look again at Prov. 13:24 [READ 13:24]. Ultimately, we discipline our children because we love them and we want them to live the right way. Now our children may not understand that when we have to spank them, but we should do all we can to communicate our love to them. We need to carry out our discipline in a manner of love. You should never spank your child just to “let off some steam” or to vent your own anger. If your temper gets the best of you, make sure you get yourself calmed down before you discipline your child. Send them to their room if you need to and get yourself under control before you discipline them. Spanking is not about getting revenge or “putting your child in his place” or humiliating your child; it is about training your child, pure and simple.
Spanking is not a way for you to release frustration; it is an expression of love for the child to help them learn right from wrong, and you must do all that you can to communicate that to them. So make sure your manner communicates love, and then express it with your words as well. Tell them that you love them, and even if they’re unhappy with you at the time, your words will stick with them.
c. Parental discipline should be applied diligently (13:24)
This lesson also comes from 13:24—“Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” According to the dictionary, diligence is behavior that is marked by persevering, painstaking effort. The Hebrew word diligent comes from the same root as the Hebrew word for “dawn,” which may mean that this word carries the idea of getting an early start on something.
Diligence in discipline is so important because it provides consistency for your children. They will know what to expect from you, because if you are diligent you won’t be a punisher one day and a push-over the next! How frustrated do you get when you don’t know what to expect from a person on any given day? Imagine if your boss let you do certain things one day without correcting you, and then the next day he was all over your case for doing the same things! You wouldn’t know what you could do, and our kids experience the same frustration when there is no diligence and consistency from us.
Diligence will also let your kids know that you mean what you say. If you tell them that you will discipline them for a certain behavior and then you diligently follow up on what you said, they will learn that you mean business when you say something. If you give them a clear guideline and consistently back it up, you should be able to eliminate the use of threats, raising your voice, and repeating the same request five or six times before your children respond.
Now I can already see that this will be easier said than done with my own little girl. I know there will be days when I won’t feel like disciplining her because it will take me away from something else or it will require me to put out some more effort when I’m tired and frustrated. So I know I’ll have to fight against this temptation, and its very important that all of us seek to be diligent in discipline.
d. Parental discipline should be accompanied by instruction (29:15)
Look with me at Prov. 29:15 [READ 29:15]. Notice the intent of discipline—it is to give wisdom. Discipline is not an end in itself; it is a means to an end. It is meant to help your child learn and grow, so if there is no instruction with the discipline, the process is short-circuited.
This is one of the reasons that child abuse is so bad. Not only is the child physically harmed, but he’s never told how to avoid a beating in the future. So the child simply lives in uncertainty and fear because he doesn’t know why mom or dad was so angry in the first place.
I believe this lesson teaches us that we should never be cavalier about the way that we discipline our children. Sometimes we see parents who smack their children and then move on, or they quickly bend them over and give them a quick swat. Well, we may think that our children know what they’ve done wrong, but oftentimes they don’t—they need our instruction. And many times those reactions come from the parent’s anger or frustration rather than their love, so we need to be careful about our motives as well.
Our discipline must be accompanied by instruction or it will look much more like spite and vengeance than true discipline. We need to carefully explain things, and as you all know, oftentimes you have to be very specific with a child. They can’t necessarily apply principles to different situations, so they often need very specific instructions. And the idea of course is that as they embrace our instruction, then the need for discipline will become smaller and smaller.
There is certainly much more that could be said on this subject, and we haven’t even looked at the whole Bible—we’ve just singled out Proverbs today. But as you can see, there is much guidance and instruction in this book. If you still have some burning questions, then by all means, I would encourage you to do a full study of what the Bible says about parenting, and talk to the Christian parents here who have been through your stage of life before. Take your cues from our heavenly Father, and follow His example. You will find abundant inspiration and strength in Him.
1 From “Plain Talk About Spanking,” by Jordan Riak, http://nospank.net/pt2011.pdf Accessed 1/24/11.
2 From “Spanking: Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Child,” by William Sears, M.D. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t062100.asp Accessed 1/24/11.
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