Assessing Anger in Our Parenting

            For many of us, parenting is the last remaining frontier in which our anger has not been fully tamed. We’ve beaten anger back off the shores of friendship and even the wide plains of marriage, but it remains entrenched in the wild, untamed hill country of parenting. We don’t like it, don’t want to admit it, and even feel downright ashamed about it, but nevertheless, anger remains in our words and our actions toward our kids.

            Some parents among us grew up facing anger from their parents, and they swore up and down that they would not repeat those sins once their chance to be a parent came along. Yet here they stand with a bewildered look on their face as they have to admit once again, “I sound just like my dad (or mom).” It’s like the struggle that the Apostle Paul described in Romans 7:15—“I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

            Why do we find such anger boiling up within us? Biblically, the answer is pretty simple—our hearts tell us that we deserve to be treated like God Himself, but our kids have different ideas. Please note: it is not that our kids make us get angry. They don’t have any such control over our actions. Rather, they simply act in ways we don’t like and we choose to react in anger. Our anger is always our own fault, not theirs. We have to accept responsibility before there will be any hope of change.

            How do we start to defeat this anger in our hearts? The process is not easy, but I believe it begins with this realization: anger cannot and will not produce any good results in our relationships with our children. None. Zero. As long as we entertain any thought that our anger might produce something good, we will lack the determination to put our anger to death. It’ll become like that can of random screws in your garage—you hang on to them because maybe, just maybe, they’ll come in handy someday. If you treat anger that way, you’ll be surprised just how often you pull it down off the shelf.

            Why am I so confident that anger will produce no good thing in your relationship with your kids? Take a look at James 1:19-20: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” That last statement is true both in me and in others. My anger doesn’t lead me toward godliness, and it doesn’t produce godliness in others, either.

            At least not true godliness—the kind that flows from the heart. Anger can be so deceptive in this way because it can produce an imitation of godliness. Our kids tend to shape up after we’ve unleashed a verbal barrage on them. It looks like it accomplished something, so we’re tempted to keep doing it. But “shaping up” shouldn’t be our goal as Christian parents. Cleaned-up behavior on the outside with dirty hearts on the inside isn’t what we’re aiming for. The grand, audacious, mind-blowing goal of this thing we call parenting is to lead our children to love God with everything they’ve got and to love others like they love themselves. Anger will not move us one inch closer toward that goal, though it might knock us backward by several yards.

            Now, we can all thank God that He so often accomplishes great work in our children’s hearts in spite of our anger. That is glory to Him, but it is no credit to us. We don’t want to use His kindness as some excuse to not get serious about putting our anger to death. While this isn’t the whole answer, the process at least starts in us when we look in the mirror and say, “I don’t have this all figured out, and I may not know yet what I’m going to do instead, but whatever it is, I will not speak or act in anger toward my kids again.” Will we still blow it at times? Probably, but praise God that the repentant heart will always find forgiveness through Christ! A humble confession to our kids will also do worlds of good—for them and for us. Time to stop reading and go find that mirror!

A Handy Guide for Discussing Our World's Problems With Your Kids

Our world is full of problems, and—as every parent knows—sooner or later our kids will be asking about them. If a child or teen is on Facebook, then they have access to all the news that’s “trending.” If they’re watching TV—even age-appropriate shows—they might see a commercial for tonight’s newscast, complete with a teaser about footage of some horrific crime.

It’s only a matter of time before we have to answer questions from our kids about our world’s problems. How might we approach conversations like this? I’d like to give you a helpful and handy outline for such conversations – an outline that is based on the grand story-arc of history, as recorded and predicted in the Bible.

According to the overall narrative of the Bible, we can divide history into four broad stages:

1. Creation: The beginning of the universe and of angelic, human, and animal life, when God brought every created thing into existence, surveyed all that he had done, and called it good (Genesis 1-2).

2. Fall: The moment when sin entered the world through Adam, with all of the resulting devastations that it brought upon humanity, animal life, and even the physical world (Genesis 3 and beyond).

3. Redemption: The work of God to undo all the effects of the Fall, culminating in the atoning death of Jesus Christ and his glorious resurrection, also leading directly to the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in the hearts of believers (The events are recorded in the four Gospels and the Book of Acts. These events were foretold in various passages of the Old Testament and are expounded upon in the New Testament Epistles.).

4. Restoration: The eventual fulfillment and accomplishment of God’s full plan of redemption, undoing all of the effects of the Fall upon mankind (Revelation 20-22).

Creation—Fall—Redemption—Restoration. There’s our basic outline. In the context of discussing our world’s problems, we might sum up the flow of the narrative like this: Though God created our world in a state of perfection, sin has disrupted everything and brought about great sorrow and trouble. But God has already enacted a plan that allows us even now to begin to see victory over these troubles, and when his plan is complete, these troubles will be no more.

I think it’s important to emphasize to our children that in the present Redemption stage, the Holy Spirit gives us power to start doing something about our world’s problems right now. Though we are not in control over these problems, neither are we powerless against them. We can do practical things to push back against the effects of sin in our world.

It is also important to stress to our children that God will not tolerate these problems forever. He is patiently putting up with them for now to give people more time to repent and trust in Christ (2 Peter 3:9), but he won’t put up with him forever. He is going to put an end to the sorrows and troubles that we face!

So what might it sound like to have a conversation with your child based on this outline? Recently, I had a conversation with a mother who had been asked by her young daughter about children in India who were starving. Let me use that topic to give an example of what your answer might sound like. This might sound a little artificial, but bear with me!

“Darling, I’m glad that this bothers you, because it bothers Mommy and Daddy, and it bothers God, too. You know that God didn’t create the world to be this way. He put Adam and Eve in a beautiful garden that had plenty of food, and their children would’ve had plenty of food, and their grandchildren and on and on. But sin has disrupted so many things that now we have to deal with problems like people not having enough food. Sin has made the ground less productive than it could’ve been; it’s led people to have false ideas, like that they shouldn’t eat certain animals for food; and it’s led people to be selfish and not share with other people when they have more than enough for themselves.

“But you also know that God sent Jesus to die for our sins, and when we trust in him to save us, he gives people like you and me the power to start doing something about these problems right now. He helps us not to be selfish, so maybe we can start to share more of what we have with people who need it. Maybe we should find some missionaries who are helping people in India right now and see if we can help them. We can also help other people know the truth about God and Jesus Christ so that they don’t have to follow false ideas anymore.

“And remember this – God has already told us in the Bible that he’s not going to let these problems stick around forever! He’s going to put an end to them and make things new again, just like he created them to be in the first place!”

Creation—Fall—Redemption—Restoration. It’s not just the storyline of the Bible—it’s a handy guide for tricky conversations with your kids as well.

Why Should I Obey? Moving Beyond "Because I Said So"--Parenting Series

            If you’ve ever tried to do something difficult, you know that its not quite enough to know what to do and how to do it. You have to have a good answer for the “why” question—why should I do it? You have to have some compelling reason to put out the effort.

            Many people, for example, have a vague desire to get in better shape. They know what to do and how to do it, but they lack a compelling reason to do it until they are diagnosed with heart disease or diabetes. But we probably all know people who have had a health scare, then all of a sudden their motivation kicks into high gear, because now they have a crystal clear answer about why they should make certain changes.

            Over the last few weeks in this parenting series, we’ve been talking about the need to teach our children not only what they should do according to the Bible, but how they can do it and why they should do it. Until we have answered all three of these questions for our kids, we have not engaged in fully biblical parenting. Now by God’s grace, He can overcome whatever is lacking in our parenting efforts—in fact, He does all the time because none of us are perfect—but our desire must always be to be fully biblical in our role as parents.

            So we must communicate the what, how, and why of the Christian life to our kids. These three aspects form a very powerful dynamic in our lives which will empower us to follow God. Think about parenting, for a moment, like coaching. Telling our kids what they should do is like explaining the basic rules of the game; telling them how they should do it is like explaining the skills and strategy that will allow them to succeed; and telling them why they should do it gives them the drive and motivation to succeed against all obstacles.

            Now we’ve already learned that to teach our kids what they should do, we should teach them the commands of Scripture. These are the basic ground rules for life. To teach them how they can do it, we should point to them to the Gospel. We also learned how a couple of New Testament authors built on this idea. For Paul, pointing our kids to the Gospel revolves around teaching them about the resources that they have “in Christ.” For John, it revolves around the idea of abiding in Christ.

            Today we’re going to add the third side to this triangle, so to speak—the “why” question. When we think about teaching our kids why they should obey us, it is here that we think about that classic conversation that ends with “because I said so.” As the conversation goes, we ask our children to do something and they ask us “why?”—perhaps two or three or a half-dozen times! And normally with a tone of exasperation we say, “because I said so!”

            Now believe it or not, that is a perfectly legitimate answer. It is also a true statement—your kids should obey simply because you have asked them to do something. But why is that? Who made you the boss? This is really the direction that we must go in answering the “why” question—we must point our children not to ourselves as the final authority, but to the one who is the final authority, God Himself.

            Our position of leadership and authority over our children comes from God. We do not have this position simply because we’re stronger than them or because we’ve been alive longer than them and therefore should be wiser than they are. Perhaps our children should have a sense of gratitude, since we have raised them, but ultimately we as parents should remember what Jesus said to Pontius Pilate in John 19:11—“You would have no authority…unless it had been given you from above.”

            So ultimately, teaching our children why they should obey us is a matter of teaching them why they should obey God, since He is the one who has commanded them to obey us. Pointing our children to God as the final authority is very helpful for at least two reasons. First, it keeps us from putting our parenting efforts in terms of a power struggle or a “battle of the wills” between us and our children. Sometimes our children are all-too-willing to jump into that battle because they’ve seen us in action, and they know that if they push the right buttons, they may come out on top! But instead of setting ourselves up as the final authority, we need to point them to God—the One with whom they really must come to terms. Instead of your will versus my will, its your will versus God’s will, and even kids understand that that’s a very different situation.

            Second, when we point them to God, we play the role of our child’s advocate rather than their adversary. As we point them to God, we can explain to them that no one is exempt from obeying God—not even mommy and daddy! We’re simply teaching them to obey God because that’s what we’re required to do, too! This idea sends a powerful message to our kids that we’re all in the same boat. We can teach them that even mommy and daddy and don’t get to play by a different set of rules. Through this process we begin to focus their attention on God, and then we can give them the good news of the Gospel and teach them how the Gospel empowers them to obey.

So teaching our children why they should obey ultimately revolves around teaching them the basics of why they should obey God. In the rest of our time this morning, I’m going to give you a basic answer to this question so you will know what kind of ideas you should pass along to your children.

Why Should I Obey God?

1. To avoid the negative consequences of disobedience

            A. Punishment from those in authority

                        1) Parents

            When we punish our children for disobedience, we give them a very concrete example of the negative consequences of sin. If we are consistent in this, it becomes very clear to them that disobedience brings punishment, but obedience allows them to avoid punishment—and may even bring with it a reward, which we will discuss more in a moment.

            Kids can learn this lesson from their earliest days. If there’s one thing I’ve learned with my daughter, its that she is always capable of understanding more than I think she can. I am confident that that’s true of kids in general, so start training them from their earliest days. When they start crawling and they start touching things that you don’t want them to touch, a firm “no” and a swat on the hand will do. And to help them learn how to avoid that punishment, touch their hand to the object again and say, “no.” Don’t swat their hand if you’re the one who’s touching their hand to the object, but touch their hand to it and say “no” a few times, and they’ll get the picture.

                        2) Legal authorities

            As our kids get older, we’ll have the chance to teach them that some actions are not just sinful, they are also illegal, and they may have to face punishment from the courts if they do certain things. They may have to pay a costly fine or spend time doing community service or even spend time in jail. But all of these consequences can be avoided by obeying God, because God commands us in Romans 13 to obey the government, unless the government commands us to disobey Him. So in most circumstances, if we obey God we won’t find ourselves on the wrong side of the law.

                        3) God

            Hebrews 12 states that because God loves us, He Himself may discipline and punish us when necessary. Far from being an expression of hatred, this is actually an expression of love. Hebrews 12:6 says, “the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” Then v. 10 says, “he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.”

            So God’s discipline can help us learn the hard way, but its still preferable to learn the easy way by obeying God in the first place! If we choose to obey, we will not only bear fruit for God, but we will avoid some of these negative consequences as well.

            B. Psychological suffering (guilt, anxiety, etc.)

            When we disobey, we will commonly experience troubling emotions until we confess our sin. In Psalm 32:3-4, King David wrote than when he failed to confess his sin “my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.” What a sad situation, and what a situation to avoid by choosing to obey rather than disobey!

            C. Shame at the moment of Christ’s return

            Christ’s return to this world should be a moment that we highly anticipate, but we might actually feel shame and embarrassment in that moment if we are not following Him closely. In 1 John 2:28, the Apostle John writes, “Little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.” What a sad thought, to think that that glorious moment might actually bring the sting of shame into our hearts rather than a shout of celebration. But this can be avoided if we choose to obey, and when we fail, if we choose to quickly seek forgiveness from God and others.

2. To enjoy the pleasant results of obedience

            A. The knowledge of bringing glory to God

            This is the idea of giving God the honor and recognition that He deserves. We can certainly do this in our own lives, but we can actually inspire the people around us to give greater honor to God as well. Matthew 5:16 says, “let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” If we are grateful to God for all that He has done to save us and bring us into His own family, we should desire to see that He receives the honor and recognition that He deserves, and we work toward that goal by obeying Him.

            B. The normal fruits of obedience

            The book of Proverbs lays out for us the normal outcomes of a wide range of choices. Now God may have other purposes at work in our lives at times—such as in the book of Job when God allowed that godly man to go through a time of suffering—but in general, when we choose to obey God, we will enjoy good things such as greater confidence, peace of mind, stronger friendships, stronger marriages, prosperity, long life, productivity, and many other blessings such as these. Obedience puts us in the position to receive these blessings rather than the bitter fruit of disobedience.

            C. The reward of an honored position of service in Christ’s future kingdom

            According to Scripture, when Jesus returns to this Earth, He will establish a kingdom over which He will reign for 1,000 years. When He does, He will reward His faithful followers with honored positions of service for Him. The Chronicles of Narnia series by C. S. Lewis actually gives us a great way to pass this idea down to our children. The first book in particular—The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe—puts this lesson front-and-center in the plot (many of you may have seen this movie). When the great lion, Aslan (who represents Jesus) takes back control of Narnia from the White Witch (who represents Satan), Aslan gives authority to rule Narnia to human beings—the four Pevensie children, whom the book calls “the sons of Adam and the daughters of Eve,” which points us back to Genesis 1-2 and the plan that God had for us in the first place to have authority over this world under Him.

            The plot of that story is thoroughly biblical and thus provides us with a great tool that we can use to teach our children about this powerful motivation to obey Christ.

            These ideas that we’ve discussed today form the essence of the answer to the question that our children have about why they should obey. The core principle is to point them to God as the final authority over their lives. The best way to do that is to model that kind of attitude yourself. Certainly we can communicate these ideas with our words as we have the opportunity, but nothing is more powerful than a living example of these lessons.

            Think about this—when Jesus was born into the world, God had already spoken to people through words for thousands of years. But in Jesus, the apostle John says that “the Word became flesh.” Jesus became a living example of everything that God had spoken to mankind for thousands of years.

            In a similar way, we can become a living example of these lessons for our children, and our example will far exceed any words that we ever speak. Over the last few weeks, we have learned for ourselves what we should do, how we can do it, and why we should do it. Let us embrace these lessons for ourselves and then our children will see clearly the path that they should embrace.

How to Obey God: According to John--Parenting Series

            Its fascinating the way that living in a certain place can shape you in so many different ways. It can shape the way you think by shaping your values and the opinions that you hold or the goals and dreams that you have. You probably wouldn’t dream about becoming a rodeo champion if you grew up in the city, for instance.

            It can shape the way you talk as well. It may shape how fast you talk or what kind of vocabulary you use. You may say “soda” rather than “pop,” or even “soda, don’t ya know.” You might say “warsh” rather than “wash,” or use words like “perti’near.”

            The place you live may shape your hobbies, your habits, your wardrobe, and even the way you drive! In Kansas City, it wasn’t too hard to spot the people who weren’t used to “city driving.” They were usually the ones the rest of us were “politely gesturing” at.

            Today, we’re going to continue talking about how to obey God so we’ll know what kind of ideas we need to pass along to our kids as they grow up. We’re going to look at a word picture from the Apostle John. His word picture draws on this whole idea of finding a home somewhere and allowing it to shape your life. This word picture comes directly from the Lord Jesus, but the Apostle John is the only New Testament writer who took this idea and ran with it.

According to the Apostle John, how can we obey God’s commands?

            For John, the answer to this question is “by abiding in Christ.” The idea of that word is to remain somewhere, to stay there, to make yourself at home and put down roots and drink up the life of the place that you have chosen to call home. As I said, John took this word picture from Jesus, and Jesus placed it in an agricultural context by talking about how a branch draws its life from the vine to which it is attached.

            This idea is very similar to what we learned from Paul last week, but Paul used images taken from the world of law and the courtroom. Jesus and John, however, drew on this image taken from something that the people were involved in all the time—gardening. Its an image that I think all of us in an agricultural setting can really appreciate.

            John records Jesus’ teaching on this whole idea of abiding in John 15. Why don’t you turn there with me, please? I’d like to read vv. 1-11 and talk through them just briefly, then we’ll take a closer look at the blessings of abiding in Christ and the means of abiding in Christ. This passage is from the night before Jesus was crucified. As He was speaking in chapter 15, He was probably walking with His disciples from the upper room where they ate together to the Garden of Gethsemane where He was ultimately arrested. As they walked, they would have likely been passing some vineyards, so Jesus uses that setting to make a spiritual point.

            Let’s read and I’ll offer some brief comments [READ v. 1]. Jesus probably called Himself the “true” vine in contrast to the leaders and the people of Israel. In the same way that we use the bald eagle as a symbol of our country, the people of Israel used a vine as a symbol of their country. This picture was taken directly from the Old Testament, and it was supposed to mean that the nation was bearing God’s fruit in the world. But since they had rejected Jesus, they had rejected God, and so Jesus says that He is the true vine—the one who is truly bearing God’s fruit in this world.

            Let’s continue [READ v. 2]. I think “lifts up” is a better translation here than “takes away” for the branches that are not bearing fruit. I think Jesus is referring to the practice of elevating the vines on a trellis of some kind. In other words, I think the picture is of tender care rather than removal.

            Moving on…[READ vv. 3-6]. Some interpreters read v. 6 as a statement about false Christians or sinning Christians being thrown out into Hell for failing to abide in Christ. In my opinion, this cannot be because of the audience to whom Jesus is speaking. He is speaking these words only to the 11 faithful disciples. Judas had already left to commit his betrayal, so Jesus was speaking only to His faithful followers, whom he said in v. 3 were “already clean.” Thus, the command to abide is for those who are already clean! So abiding is not a way to become clean in the eyes of God, but the way to live as someone who already is clean.

            Let’s finish the passage now [READ vv. 7-11]. This is such a beautiful section of Scripture. You may have already noticed some blessings that Jesus connects with the idea of abiding. Remember that the idea of abiding is the idea of making a home somewhere and taking on the life of that place, just like a branch has its home in the vine to which it is attached and draws its very lifeblood from it. In our lives, we’re talking about finding a home in Jesus and letting Him shape the way we think and act and live—shaping our goals and motives and desires and dreams and the choices we make. Just as the branch simply produces the fruit of the vine, we are to produce the spiritual fruit that God desires to produce in this world. It’s the same idea that we learned from Paul last week, only through a different word picture. We are simply supposed to live out the life of Christ.

Let’s take a closer look now at the blessings of abiding.

1. Bearing much fruit for God (v. 5)

            Look again at v. 5 [READ v. 5]. Its interesting that Jesus said apart from Him we can do nothing—nothing of any spiritual value. We tend to think that the choice to allow Jesus to work in us is like the choice between thriving and just getting by. We think, “Yeah, I know I could thrive if I got to know Jesus better, but I’m getting along okay in my spiritual life.” Well, according to Jesus, the choice is not between thriving and getting by—the choice is between thriving and nothing!

            If we are not allowing Jesus to do His work in us to change us, we will not accomplish anything of spiritual value. If we’re not living out the life of Christ the way that a branch carries the life of its vine, we are accomplishing nothing of spiritual value. But if we allow Jesus to shape us the way that the town we live in shapes us, we will bear much fruit for God.

2. Effective prayer (v. 7)

            Look again at v. 7 [READ v. 7]. Now I confess, when I read a statement like this, I’m the first person to start putting boundaries on it. I think, “surely it can’t mean ‘whatever you wish.’” Then, because I studied Greek in seminary, I think, “surely this is a mistranslation,” so I look at the Greek and it says, “whatever you wish!”

            Now of course, there are two conditions attached to this statement, and we’ll talk more about them in a minute, but let us allow verses like this to move us to prayer. In our parenting efforts, a verse like this should encourage us to pray about anything and everything that we desire for our kids. Are you trying to potty-train a child? Pray about it! Are they having a hard time with math? Pray about it! Are they struggling with motivation? Pray about it! Pray about anything and everything that you desire for your children.

            As you make your home in Christ and draw your lifeblood from Him by allowing His word to have a home in you, it will change the way you pray so that your prayers will become more effective. James 4:4 tells us that one of the reasons that we might not receive what we ask for is that we may ask for something with the wrong motives. But if we allow God’s Word to have a home in us, as this verse says, it will refine our motives and help us pray not only for the right things but for the right reasons as well.

3. Bringing glory to God (v. 8)

            This means that we will enhance God’s reputation and fame. God is already great and wonderful, but our behavior doesn’t always put His greatness on full display. But if we abide in Him, our lives will display His greatness [READ v. 8]. A “disciple” is an apprentice, someone who learns from a master. When we bear the fruit of God in our lives, it shows others that we have learned from Him, and they learn more about what He is like being seeing His fruit in our lives.

4. The knowledge of abiding in God’s love (v. 9-10)

            [READ vv. 9-10] God’s love for us does not change, but our knowledge of it can. If we sin against Him, we put a strain on that relationship, and if we start to experience His discipline, its very easy for Satan to tempt us to think that that discipline is an example of hatred rather than love. But if we obey God, Satan will have very few opportunities to make us doubt God’s love for us, and we will have our eyes open to the examples of God’s love that are all around us.

5. Fullness of joy (v. 11)

            [READ v. 11] By staying connected to Jesus, our joy will reach its fullness, but our joy will be drained if we do not stay connected to Jesus and bear His fruit. The negative consequences of our sin will make life feel like wearisome drag, a mind-numbing exercise in futility where we begin to question our purpose in life. But when we stay connected to Christ—when we make our home in Him—He begins to work in us and through us and we will receive joy from that relationship and from what it produces. That joy will keep building and building until it practically radiates from us!

Now if these are the blessings of abiding, what are the means of abiding? How do we do it?

1. By giving Christ’s words a home within us (v. 7)

            Christ tells us in v. 7 to let His words abide within us—to have a home in our hearts. Obviously, this revolves around knowing what He has taught, so we must study His teachings and internalize them.

            Does God’s Word have a home in your heart, or is it more like an occasional visitor? Have you made a home for yourself in God’s Word, or do you just drop in every so often? Think about the idea of living somewhere versus visiting. If you’re only visiting a place, it doesn’t shape your life the way I that mentioned at the beginning of the sermon. If you visit New England sometime, you won’t really develop a New England frame-of-mind; in fact, you’ll probably feel just a little uncomfortable until you get back home.

            Where you make your home will shape who you are. If you make your home in Christ and His teachings, they will shape who you are. Then, we fully abide in Christ…

2. By obeying the commands of Christ (v. 10)

            Once we’ve learned what Christ asks us to do, we must simply choose to do it. When we do, God’s power will work in our lives to produce His fruit, just as the life of the vine flows through the branch to produce its fruit. This may seem far too simple—just knowing Christ’s commands and then choosing to obey them—but this is really all there is to abiding in Him. There is a big temptation for us to make the Christian life seem far more complicated because then we can shift the blame for our sins onto something beside our own choices. So we may tell ourselves that there must be something that we still lack—perhaps some emotional experience with God or something that we didn’t receive in our upbringing—and then we can place the blame for our sins on those things.

            But in reality, abiding in Christ is just a matter of learning what to do and choosing to do it. That’s not to say that its easy to obey Christ, its just not complicated—that’s all! Its not easy because we have sinful desires that pull us in the other direction, but if we will choose to obey Christ, the fruit of holiness will flourish and leave little room for the weeds of sin to thrive.

            Perhaps you can see how this idea of abiding is similar to what we learned from Paul last week. To Paul, we are Christ’s ambassadors, living with His very identity upon us and living out His life in this world. To John, we are like branches that Christ, as the vine, as sent out into the world to bear His fruit. The result is the same, only the pictures are different, but that’s helpful because they resonate with us in different ways.

            The world of nature all around us provides us with many opportunities to pass this idea of abiding onto our kids. As they work with us in the garden or on the farm, or as we take walks together, we can pass this lesson down to our kids and shape the way that they think about themselves and their purpose in this world. By molding that self-image and sense of purpose, we will set them up for a very fruitful life, indeed.

How to Obey God: According to Paul--Parenting Series

            A triangle is one of the strongest shapes to use in construction. Its three sides support each other in a powerful way to bear the weight of other objects. A few weeks ago as we talked about the subject of parenting, we looked at the what, how, and why of our task as parents. We determined that we must also give our children the what, how, and why of their responsibility to obey both us and the Lord. We can think about these three parts—the what, how, and why—as three sides of a triangle that will help our children bear the weight of the pressure that the world places upon them to live an ungodly lifestyle.

            The “what” question, you may remember, is answered very simply by all of the commands in the Bible—particularly for us, the commands of the New Testament. These commands make up the standard for living that we are supposed to pass along to our children.

            Now, as I stated a few weeks ago, I don’t think the “what” question is our greatest challenge as parents. We know pretty well what God’s commands are. It’s the “how” and “why” questions that really trip us up. Today, we are going to begin to take a closer look at the “how” question—how can we successfully live out the commands of Scripture? Once we can answer this question for ourselves, we can then pass this lesson along little by little to our children. Today, I will offer you a basic answer to this question, then we’ll take a closer look at how the various authors of the New Testament build upon this answer.

How Can We Successfully Live Out the Commands of Scripture?

            The basic answer to this question is “by constantly reminding ourselves about the message of the Gospel.” This is the path to spiritual success for each one of us, so it is the path on which we want to set our children as well. We want to continually point them to the Gospel, then after they hopefully accept Christ as their Savior, we want to keep pointing them back to the Gospel as well.

            Now this focus on the Gospel may seem a little odd because we often think of the Gospel as being a message about our future. We think of the Gospel as being the good news that by placing our faith in Jesus we can go to heaven rather than hell after we die. That is certainly good news, but how does that help me in the here and now? That’s kind of like Social Security—it’ll be a nice benefit once I retire, but it doesn’t help me pay my bills right now!

            What we have to realize is that the Gospel is not just a message about our future—it is a message about our past and our present as well. The Gospel is the good news that I am no longer defined by my past, with all of its sinfulness and dysfunction. Instead, I now have a vibrant relationship with God in the present that will simply reach its fullness in the future when I live with Him in heaven. When we think of the Gospel in all three tenses—past, present, and future—we will begin to see the power that it gives us to have spiritual success today.

How do the authors of the New Testament build upon this basic answer to the question about successfully living out God’s commands? In the rest of our time today, we’ll look at how the Apostle Paul expounded on this thought, and I have no doubt that we will be encouraged by what we see.

According to the Apostle Paul, How Can We Obey God’s Commands?

            For Paul, the path to spiritual success is all about recognizing the resources that we have “in Christ.” I put that little phrase in quotation marks because it is one of Paul’s favorite phrases. Paul wrote 13 books of the New Testament, and in those 13 books he uses phrases like “in Christ” or “in Christ Jesus” around 170 times. He constantly wrote about the new identity we have in Christ and the new power that we have in Christ. In many of his letters, he spent the first half writing about all the theology of this “in Christ” idea, then he shifted gears for the second half and said, “Now let me show you what this looks like in daily life.” We can summarize what Paul had to say about our resources in Christ by looking at them with respect to each of the three persons of the Trinity.

1. We have a new relationship with God the Father

            First of all, we are at peace with Him, according to Romans 5:1. We used to be enemies of God—according to that same passage—because we were in rebellion against Him. We were hostile to Him because we knew that He disapproved of our sinful lifestyle. But now that we have confessed our sins to Him and accepted Christ by faith, we are at peace with God. We have a peace treaty in Jesus Christ, and now God is our ally rather than our enemy.

            Along the same line, we no longer face God’s condemnation, according to Romans 8:1. God has rendered His verdict about us, and His ruling is that all the demands of His law have been met by Jesus, and His innocence has been placed on our account through faith. We have been sent out of God’s courtroom never to return again! Our lives will be evaluated by God someday, but we won’t be like defendants in a courtroom. We will be like a diver, or a gymnast, or a figure skater—standing before the judges to see if we’ve won the prize. We may receive a greater or lesser prize based on our obedience to God, but we won’t bear the eternal penalty of our sins because that matter was settled when we accepted Christ.

            Third, we are now God’s adopted children (Rom. 8:15; Eph. 1:5). God has committed Himself to do all the things for us that a father is supposed to do—He provides for us, protects us, loves us, and disciplines us. We no longer relate to God primarily as our judge, but as our Father. There is intimacy and affection in our relationship with Him.

2. We have a new identity as Christ

            This is a life-changing idea when you understand it. I said we have a new identity as Christ for a reason—according to Paul, when we accept Christ, on a spiritual level His history becomes our history. We are united to Him spiritually so that we become part of His story and actually share in His destiny. This spiritual unity is so complete that Paul wrote in Galatians 2:20, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.” Notice all the details of Christ’s history that have now become our spiritual history:

·         We were crucified with Him (Galatians 2:20)

·         We died with Him (Romans 6:3-7)

·         We were buried with Him (Romans 6:3-7)

·         We were resurrected with Him (Romans 6:3-7)

·         We have been seated with Him in heaven (Ephesians 2:4-6; Colossians 3:1-4)

·         We will be with Him in His future glory (Colossians 3:1-4)

·         We will reign with Him in His earthly kingdom (1 Corinthians 6:2; 2 Timothy 2:12)

            When we placed our faith in Christ, we were placed into His story, so that we are now literally living out the life of Jesus. Let me offer a couple of illustrations to help you understand this idea. You may be familiar with the witness protection program, which relocates people who serve as witnesses in a trial who may be in danger because of their testimony. When a person enters that program, they go through a complete and radical change of identity. They receive a new name and a new background and are moved to a totally new location. Their old identity just sort of dies out, and everything they do is now done under their new identity.

            This illustration gives us a very helpful way to think about our new identity in Christ. Spiritually, my identity as Tim Erickson has died out! As Paul said, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.”

            Here’s another helpful illustration—some of you will remember the old TV show “Quantum Leap.” In that show, Scott Bakula’s character, Sam Beckett, would leap around through time and space into the body of a different person for each episode. While he was in that person’s body, he was living out their life, and normally he would solve some kind of problem for them. His own identity as Sam Beckett faded into the background every time he leapt into a new person, and that person’s identity became the focus.

            If you want to think of your relationship with Christ that way, that’s fine too! We have leapt into the story of Christ, so that we are now supposed to live out His life in this world. We are so closely identified with Jesus that Paul says we are now His ambassadors (2 Cor. 5:20). An ambassador is someone who is authorized to speak for another person with that person’s same authority.

            Ambassadors in Paul’s time had a more important role than they do today. Today, if President Obama wants to speak to a world leader, he can just pick up the phone and talk to him. Back then, communication was obviously more difficult, so when an ambassador was sent to a far-off country, he was given the authority to speak as if the king himself were right there doing all the talking! The ambassador literally stood in the place of the king.

            My friends, this is the role that you and I occupy today for Jesus! Jesus is not physically here in the world right now; He is in heaven, but He has sent us out as His ambassadors, to speak for Him and share His message with others. This is an amazing concept, and it gives such meaning and purpose to our lives. We are living out the life of Christ!

But we don’t have to just muster up our own power to live His life!

3. We have a new power through the Holy Spirit (Romans 8)

            In Romans 8:1-4, Paul writes about the new power that we have through the Holy Spirit to obey God [READ Rom. 8:1-4; in v. 2 when Paul mentions “the law,” he is talking about a power inside of us; in vv. 3-4 he is talking about the Old Testament Law].

            In essence, Paul is saying that the Holy Spirit, who now lives in us, gives us a power to obey God’s commands that we did not have in our sinful state. Before we accepted Christ, we did not have the power to obey God on our own. We were in bondage to the influence of sin, and it had the power to boss us around. But now, we have been set free from sin’s influence by the power of the Holy Spirit.

            One of my professors in seminary explained it this way. He had been in the military as a young man, and he would tell us that if his old drill sergeant marched into the room and started barking out orders, he just might obey him because he had been so thoroughly conditioned to respond to that voice. But in reality, he could stop himself and say, “Wait a minute! I’m a civilian now. I’m not under your authority. You don’t have the power to boss me around anymore!”

            That’s what our relationship to sin is like. Sin used to have the power to boss us around, and we were helpless against it. But sin doesn’t have the power to boss us around anymore! We don’t have to sin “yes” to our sinful desires ever again! Now those desires are still appealing to us because sin is like that old, familiar voice that calls us to come back to old habits; sin is like that old drill sergeant who we were conditioned to obey.

            But now, the Holy Spirit lives within us and His power is available to us! Sin is no longer our master—Jesus is! And the Holy Spirit will empower us to obey Jesus when we make the choice to do so.

            These ideas from Paul are part of the answer to the question of how to live an obedient life. These are ideas that we must first embrace ourselves, and then as our kids grow we can plant them in their hearts as well. Remember the pattern from Deuteronomy 6—first of all, love God yourself and internalize His truth, then just teach your kids to do the same thing.

            Obviously, when our kids are young, they won’t fully grasp these concepts, but we can start to introduce them on a simple level from a very young age. Kids like to play make-believe, right? We can tell them how God has a very special role for them to play—that they are actually playing the part of Jesus in this world.

            Kids like to daydream about having super-powers. We can tell them that they have a super-power in their heart—the power to do what’s right. We can explain that this may not seem like an impressive super-power at first, but this is when we emphasize the “why” of obedience, like the possibility of avoiding bad consequences and receiving a blessing instead.

            So this is the gist of the “how” question—point your kids to the gospel, then after they hopefully receive it, keep pointing them back to it all the time!

Guardrails for the Parenting Task--Parenting Series

            Many of you know that Carmen and I recently had the opportunity to minister at a Bible college in Jackson, WY. We decided to make the 15-hour drive this year rather than fly, and much of the time we were in areas that I wouldn’t exactly call “pretty.” But as we got closer to Jackson, we were driving directly through the mountains, which offered some breath-taking views. It also offered a few moments which made me think, “Man! That would have been a nice place for a guardrail!” Every so often, the road ran along the edge of a hill with a substantial drop-off, but there wasn’t a guardrail there to keep you on the road.

            Last week, as we studied the commands of Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21, we encountered a guardrail that is designed to help us safely reach our destination of biblical parenting. It was put in place to keep us from veering off into dangerous territory. This guardrail was most clearly expressed in the first phrase of Ephesians 6:4, which says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.”

            Today, we’re going to discuss some ways in which we commonly find ourselves on the wrong side of that guardrail. There are ways in which we can behave that are violations of that prohibition, and if we realize that we have veered off into dangerous territory, then we can make the changes that are necessary to correct our course.

In what ways might we violate the prohibition of Ephesians 6:4?

            As we answer this question, let’s consider a general guideline, and then we’ll talk about some specific behaviors that are more common. Our general guideline is very simple—any sin would be a violation of this prohibition. If we sin against our children, we would be tempting them to get angry and would be pushing them in that direction. So anything that the Bible calls a sin is off-limits for us in our relationships with our kids.

            This is obvious when we stop and think about it, but the problem is that we don’t always stop and think about it. We don’t tend to place biblical commands in the context of our relationship with our kids. Think about the command in Colossians 4:6, which says, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Normally when we hear a command like that, we’ll think about that in terms of speaking to our neighbors or co-workers, and maybe we’ll think about it in the context of marriage, but we rarely get around to thinking about it in the context of speaking to our children.

            In my opinion, we might fail to connect these dots because we have an incorrect view of parental authority. Its easy for us to think of ourselves like dictators in our own homes, and thus we get to play by some different set of rules. We can also embrace a bizarre pragmatism which says that as long as I get my kids to “obey,” anything I do to reach that goal is okay.

            That mindset is not what parental authority is all about. We’re much more like middle management in a corporation—our task is to take whatever comes from corporate headquarters (God) and implement it on the local level (the home). Our parental authority is set within the bounds of God’s commands, so we have no freedom to violate them just because we have some authority in our homes.

            Now on a practical level, I think we might fail to connect these dots because when we’re at home, we want to relax and let our guard down. We don’t want to keep our spiritual guard up, so we actually become easy targets for temptation because we’re not on the lookout for it.

            Certainly we do want our homes to have a relaxing atmosphere, but the way to create that atmosphere is to keep your spiritual guard up, not let it down. When we all let our spiritual guard down, that’s when we create the environment in which everyone is walking around on eggshells because someone is liable to blow up at any moment! So we must ask the Lord to help us keep our spiritual guard up at all times, even when we are at home.

Now what are some common ways in which we might provoke our children to anger? This is not a complete list by any means, but I do think we can focus on three areas.

1. Sins of Speech

            We may sin through the words we say in several ways.

            a. In content (Matthew 5:22)

            Sometimes we just choose our words very poorly when we speak to our children. They might make a particular choice sometime, and in a moment of exasperation we may say, “How could you have been so stupid?” Obviously, that’s not a good tone of voice, but the choice of words itself is sinful. In Matthew 5:22, Jesus says, “whoever insults his brother will be liable to the [court], and whoever says, ‘you fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.”

            Words that are insulting and degrading have no place in our communication with our children. They violate the basic dignity that our children possess as human beings, made in the image of God. According to James 3, this is what makes sins of speech sinful—we are tearing down something to which God gave His own resemblance, so to speak. So everyone deserves a basic level of respect from us, and that includes our children.

            b. In manner (Colossians 4:6)

            Sometimes its not what you say, but how you say it—right? Our body language and tone of voice can express all kinds of sinful attitudes—anger, impatience, rudeness, arrogance. All of these are sinful attitudes that we are to put off.

            Consider the command I mentioned earlier from Colossians 4:6—“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt (that means ‘palatable’), so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Again, we are sometimes tempted to think that we have a different set of rules in the home because we as parents are the authority, but we don’t! We don’t get a pass on the way we speak to our kids just because we have authority, so we must watch the way we say things.

            c. In timing/location (Proverbs 15:23)

            We may cause our children unnecessary embarrassment by dealing with something publicly that should be dealt with in private. We may need to take our children out of a public setting to deal with something right away, but that is different from speaking to them or punishing them out in the open. Not only could we cause unnecessary embarrassment for our kids, we will probably also make them less inclined to hear what we have to say. Proverbs 15:23 says, “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!” Saying the right thing at the wrong time can make the right thing come across the wrong way!

2. Sins of Action

           

            a. Dealing with our children in anger (James 1:19-20)

            We can easily provoke our children to anger if we deal with them in anger because they’ll simply be taking their cues from us!  In those situations, they’re just reflecting our own behavior back to us. If its okay for you to act that way, then it must be okay for them to act that way—at least that’s how they’ll look at it.

            James 1:19-20 says, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Anger can be appropriate when we are angry on behalf of God. That’s why James says to be “slow to anger”—we’ve got to sort out those feelings and assess them. All other anger is the anger of man, which James says does not produce the righteousness of God.

            Its important to note that this anger does not produce God’s righteousness in us or in our children. Sometimes anger appears to work because it can force our kids to shape up out of fear, but don’t confuse that for godly character in them. Once they reach the point where they are no longer afraid of you, you will quickly discover that they have not developed godly character.

            Anger toward our children often arises from selfish goals and motivations. James 4:1-2 is very informative on this point: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder (and remember, in Matthew 5, Jesus said anger is just as serious as murder). You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.”

            So why do you snap at your kids? Because you are coveting something and their behavior keeps you from having it, so you get angry. Perhaps you want peace and quiet—no matter what anyone else wants—but the kids are making some noise, so you get angry. Perhaps you wanted other people to think you’re a perfect parent, but your kids do something that embarrasses you, so you get angry.

            If you are quick to get angry with your kids, that is a dead giveaway that their behavior is obstructing some kind of sinful goal that you want to pursue. Their behavior may be sinful, but for your heart, that is irrelevant. Remember—you are called to implement God’s standards in your home, and God says, “let all bitterness and wrath and anger…be put away from you” (Ephesians 4:30).

            b. Playing favorites between siblings (or comparing them to each other) (James 2:1; Eph. 5:1)

            You might be familiar with how poorly this behavior worked out in the book of Genesis. Isaac and Rebekah played favorites and nearly drove Esau to murder Jacob; Jacob should have known better, but he played favorites, too, and nearly got his favorite son killed! Even if you never incite homicide in your family, remember—Jesus said that anger is just as bad.

            Asking your kids why they’re not more like their siblings is also unproductive. I’ve never heard of a situation where a child said, “You know what, Mom and Dad, you’re right! I should be more like my brother. Thanks for pointing that out to me!” Besides, we’re pointing our kids toward the wrong standard when we compare them to their siblings. Ephesians 5:1 says, “be imitators of God, as beloved children.” If Johnny isn’t exactly like Timmy, that’s okay—if Johnny is imitating God. That’s the real example that he should follow.

            c. Disciplining in unjust ways

                        1) Enforcing inconsistent standards/standards that change arbitrarily

            Have you ever played a board game with a child who switches the rules all the time—just making up any old rule whenever it suits him? We play along with that behavior sometimes, but its very frustrating, isn’t it? It doesn’t make the game very enjoyable.

            Well, imagine if that’s how your child feels about your home—he never knows exactly what the rules are or whether they will be enforced on a certain day, and he gets punished for breaking rules he “should have known,” even though they were never explained to him before. That’s going to create a very frustrating situation in your home.

            When it comes to the rules of your home, the most important lesson for your children to learn is that you mean what you say. Its not even necessary to have a lot of rules—after all, you can’t anticipate everything that may come up. It is most important for your children to learn that when you announce a rule, you will enforce it fairly and consistently. That lesson will teach them to respond to your authority when you have to address other situations that come up.

                        2) Disciplining without just cause (for accidents or without establishing who deserves what)

            Sometimes as a parent, you may come into a situation where its easiest to just exercise “the nuclear option”—where everyone in a five-mile radius gets a spanking! Maybe your kids are fighting or something was broken, and when you come upon the scene, the easiest thing to do is just rain down fire from heaven on everyone.

            Well, it certainly could be true that each child involved deserves discipline, but you need to establish that fact first. After all, you can’t effectively instruct your child if you don’t know exactly what he or she did—and punishment without instruction is not biblical discipline. Proverbs 29:15 says, “The rod and reproof give wisdom.” When you punish your child, you need to make sure he knows why he is being punished and how he can avoid further punishment in the future.

            Honestly, I think it is better NOT to carry out a punishment than to punish without just cause. If your child knows he is being punished unfairly, your punishment will not have its desired effect. In his heart, your child will not yield to your authority—he will chafe under it because he knows he is being treated unfairly.

                        3) Using excessive physical force which leaves lasting physical damage

            Spanking is somewhat controversial today, but it is a decidedly biblical method of discipline for our children, and I believe parents should make use of it when they deem it necessary. But the physical force that we use must be minimal and controlled. Any level of force that leaves bruises, welts, or broken skin is almost certainly too much.

            Also, when spanking is carried out in anger, it is no longer a biblical expression of discipline. We must make sure that we are in control of our emotions before we ever begin the process of spanking. After all, we are trying to teach our children self-control through our discipline, so we must model it for them.

3.  Sins of Omission

            This phrase refers to actions that we should do, but fail to carry out. It is based on the teaching of James 4:17, which says, “whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” What examples of this category of sin may come up in our parenting?

            A. Failing to speak words of praise or words of correction

            Parents have long recognized the power that our words have to shape our children, but its not uncommon to find one of two extremes among parents. Some parents are so afraid of raising children who are “soft” or conceited that they rarely, if ever, speak words of praise to their kids. Other parents are so concerned about their child’s self-esteem that they rarely, if ever, speak words of correction.

            Both of these approaches are unnecessary extremes that do not match scriptural teaching about our speech. The book of Proverbs praises the value of correction and teaches us to offer it in a thoughtful way that will increase the likelihood that it is received well. The same book also stresses the power of kind words to nourish the soul.

            Using words of praise and words of correction is a must for all parents. There is little to fear about going to extremes as long as you include both types of speech. Correct when necessary, and praise when appropriate, and your child will receive the benefits of correction and praise without facing the drawbacks of unbalanced communication.

            B. Failing to confess our sins and ask for forgiveness

            As human beings with a sinful heart, we will at times sin against our kids—we have already talked about many such scenarios today. When we do, it is vital that we confess those sins to them and ask for their forgiveness. We’re not fooling anyone when we refuse to admit when we have actually been wrong. We’re not fooling God, we’re not fooling our kids, and we’re really not fooling ourselves, either, since we normally face guilt when we refuse to confess our sins.

            Some parents seem to think that confessing their sins to their children is a sign of “weakness” that will cause their kids to think less of their parental authority. I am convinced that the opposite is true—confessing your sins is a sign of spiritual strength which will endear you to your children.

            Only parents who exercise control through fear and intimidation must maintain an aura of perfection at all costs. On the contrary, when we follow a biblical model of parenting, confessing your sins is a powerful way to teach your children that we all have to play by the same set of rules—God’s rules! No one is exempt from obeying Him—not even Mom and Dad. This lesson points our children toward their proper and ultimate authority, which is where we want to direct them anyway!

            C. Failing to show our children physical affection

            This issue may be a greater struggle for fathers. As men, we’re not so much the touchy-feely type. We’re a little less like mama cats, and a little more like male rams; we would just as soon hit someone on the football field as hug someone. But physical affection is very important. Sometimes, a simple hand on the shoulder can communicate more than our words could ever say.

            I’ve been told that physical affection is especially important between fathers and daughters as girls are entering the teenage years. Most girls are already extremely self-conscious about their body at that point in time, so if Dad stops giving her hugs or kisses, it can apparently exaggerate her confusion and insecurity. A father’s continued affection can be just the point of stability that a girl needs to deal with the changes that are taking place.

            We’ve covered almost a “dirty dozen” today as we’ve discussed some common ways in which we might provoke our children to anger. It may seem at this point that it is much easier to fail as a parent than to succeed, but please remember that these warnings today are the guardrails for the parenting task. As you’re driving down the road, its not the guardrails that deserve your focus—it’s the road and the destination. The best way to avoid the guardrails is not to focus on them, but on the road ahead. The guardrails are only there to bump us back in the right direction.

            As parents, we do not need to live in fear of failure. Rather, we can thank God for the parameters that He has put in place which help us instead to enjoy the scenery as we grow closer to Him, and bring our children along for the adventure.

The ABC's of Biblical Parenting--Parenting Series

            There is a verse in Ecclesiastes that has long been a favorite of seminary students. It is Ecclesiastes 12:12, which says, “Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh.” For some reason, this verse has never made it into the AWANA program—I’m not sure why.

            Now, this verse could be a very fitting description for the parenting section at the bookstore. Before the poor employees get one parenting book on the shelf, the next one is already on its way. By the time you could read all of them, your kids would be grown and out of the house! You would have nothing to do with all of your knowledge except write books for the next generation of parents to read!

            Is there any way to boil down this task we call “parenting” to some basic principles? I think there is, and I think the Apostle Paul has done just that for us in two short commands that we find in his letters. By the way, I think its telling that we don’t have a long discussion in the Bible about parenting. The closest thing is the book of Proverbs, but that book deals with many other subjects as well. I think this is because the basic idea about parenting in the Bible is what we saw last week—just love God yourself, then show your kids how to do what you’re doing.

            We’re going to take a look at Paul’s commands this morning, and then we’ll answer three simple questions about them: 1) What are we supposed to do as parents?; 2) How are we supposed to do it?; and 3) Why are we supposed to do it this way?

            Let’s read the commandments in question. The first is found in Ephesians 6:4—“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The second is found in Colossians 3:21. It is very similar to the first command, but it adds an important detail to the discussion. This verse says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” That’s an important thought, and we’ll consider it more closely in just a moment.

            Let me make one observation before we jump into our questions. Both of these commands are addressed to fathers. Mothers are certainly not excluded; in fact, this Greek word sometimes refers to ancestors in general, both male and female. But fathers are emphasized in these verses because we are the leaders of the home. We bear the final responsibility of seeing that our homes are arranged according to God’s commands.

            We are just like managers in a business—we are not expected to do all of the work ourselves, but we are responsible for seeing that all of the work gets done in the right way. So it is in our homes—Mom may end up doing most of the parenting work (especially when our kids are infants and especially if Mom stays at home with the kids), but Dad is still responsible before God for all of it. So men, this means that we cannot be checked out of the parenting process. We need to be hands-on with our children when we can, and we need to communicate with Mom when we can’t. We must shoulder the responsibility!

Now let’s dive-in to the three questions that I have asked about these commands.

1. What are we supposed to do as parents?

            The first phrase of Ephesians 6:4 tells us what we are NOT supposed to do, so we’ll come back to that later. The second phrase tells us what we are supposed to do, that is, “bring [our children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Let’s think about these words “discipline” and “instruction.”

            Discipline is a perfectly good word—especially if you look it up in the dictionary—but it normally has negative connotations for us. When we hear “discipline,” we usually think of dishing out punishment after rules have been broken. Other translations use the word “training,” which is probably a better word in our language today.

            When we think of “training,” we might think of learning a new job or practicing with a sports team. When I worked at a bank several years ago, I spent my first week or so in training. They explained what I needed to do and how I would go about doing it. That’s an important combination—combining “what” with “how.” They didn’t just stick me in the teller window and say “make deposits” or “cash checks.” They explained how I would actually carry out those tasks.

            Have you ever been in a situation where someone expected you to do something but they didn’t effectively explain how you could actually accomplish the task? That’s frustrating, isn’t it? And it gets even worse if that person comes down on you for not accomplishing the task!

            There is a very important lesson here for the parenting task. As we raise our kids and tell them what they need to do, we also need to effectively explain how they can accomplish it. If we don’t, we’ll put them in that frustrating position that I just described, and we’ll make the situation even worse if we punish them while leaving the “how” question unanswered.

            Now the word “instruction” adds a third element to all of this—the element of “why.” The Greek term behind “instruction” refers to teaching that emphasizes the consequences of our choices; so it introduces the idea of warnings and incentives. When I worked at the bank, they had incentives in place to encourage us to refer our customers to our financial planning department (the folks who helped with investments and estate planning and trust funds and the like). Now I knew what the bank wanted me to do (they wanted me to make referrals), and I knew how I could accomplish that (I could arrange appointments), but my boss knew that I still might look at all of that and say, “What’s the point? Why should I bother?” So they put an incentive in place, which created an answer for my “why” question.

            So when we put all of this together, our basic answer to the first question is this: What are we supposed to do as parents? Teach our children what they should do, how they can do it, and why they should do it—all in light of God’s commands. This is fully biblical parenting—covering the bases of “what,” “how,” and “why” for our kids in light of God’s commands.

            Now I suspect we’re all pretty good at telling our kids what to do. As Christian parents, we’re probably accurate most of the time (I doubt you’ve ever told your child to do something that is just flat-out unbiblical). So we’re probably pretty good with the “what” side of things, but honestly we probably have a lot of struggles when it comes to “how” and “why.” Sometimes the “how” question is pretty simple. Think about asking your child to clean his room. That’s pretty straightforward—you can explain where they should put their toys and that sort of thing. But think about commands like “don’t talk back” or “don’t fight with your siblings.” Those are matters of the heart, aren’t they? In that case, we have to deal with questions like, “How can hold my tongue when I just want to speak my mind?” or “How can I live at peace with another person?” Now we’re talking about basic discipleship, which is more involved than just telling our kids where to put their toys.

            Or consider the “why” question. We have a fairly standard response when our kids us why they should do something—“because I said so!” That statement is true, but its not the whole truth, is it? Why should your kids obey you? Who made you so important? Well, God did, didn’t He? That’s the whole truth that we need to present to our kids.

            Now in just a couple of weeks, we’re going to devote some entire sermons to the “how” and “why” questions that are part of instructing our children, so we’ll move on for now. Just understand for the time being that fully biblical parenting must go beyond simply telling our kids what to do. We must also include the “how” and the “why.”

2. How are we supposed to do it?

            Based on these two commands, I think we can answer this question like so—in a manner that does not incite them to be angry or that will crush their spirit. In other words, we are to exercise our authority over our children with consideration for their emotions, their desires, their thoughts, and their motivation. This mindset in one sense is a protection for our children since they are called by God to obey us. I think they will have an easier time obeying us if they can tell that we are treating them in a considerate way.

            Now this idea reminds us of the God-given dignity and value that our children possess, and we as parents are responsible to take their God-given dignity into account as we raise them. This idea was revolutionary in the Roman culture of Paul’s day. Roman law operated by a principle that gave fathers absolute authority over their children. When a baby was born, the father had the right to decide if the child would live or die. If the child was the wrong gender or it was deformed in some way, the father could refuse to claim the child as his own, and if he rejected the child, it was either drowned or left somewhere to die of exposure. Even if a child was allowed to live, the father still retained absolute authority over its life. He could discipline the child however he desired—which included the option of putting the child to death.¹

            So imagine how odd it was in this culture for Paul to say “do not provoke your children to anger,” and “do not provoke [them], lest they become discouraged.” Where did this idea come from? Well, it came from God. Our children have God-given rights that we are not allowed to violate. If you’re tempted to think that you have unlimited authority over your children, you better think again. We are not allowed to sin against our children as we raise them. That rules out actions like dealing with them in anger or speaking harsh or bitter words against them.

            Now next week, we are going to talk about some ways in which parents commonly violate this command so that we can hopefully avoid this kind of behavior. But why is it so important that we act in this manner?

3. Why are we supposed to do it this way?

            Simply put, the answer is this—otherwise, we may push them toward sin or extinguish their motivation altogether. As Christian parents, pushing our children toward sin is exactly the opposite of what we hope to accomplish. Now of course, our children are always responsible before God for their own choices. They may choose a sinful path even though we have encouraged them toward a godly path.

            But it is possible for us to create an environment in our homes that actually makes sin look more desirable. What will our children learn if we deal with them in anger all the time? They will learn that anger is the way to exercise authority and control, so when they want to make themselves heard, how will they act? With anger! What will happen if we fail to give our children tender affection, and then a boyfriend or girlfriend comes along who is more than willing to give them unhealthy affection? Well, who cares if its unhealthy and its not real love at all—it still feels better and seems more promising than years of no affection at home.

            The other danger that Paul mentions is extinguishing our kids’ motivation altogether. Sometimes kids may not really choose a sinful path, but they won’t have the motivation to walk the godly path, either—so they won’t really rebel, they just won’t do much of anything! They won’t have much drive of their own at all. They won’t see the point in putting out effort to follow the godly path.

            I think this situation often comes about when we’ve told our children “what” to do for years and years, but we’ve never really told them “how” or “why.” Remember how frustrating that situation is? Let’s put this back in the context of your job—what happens when you’re in that situation for a long time? You either quit out of frustration, or you figure out how to do just enough to keep the boss of your back.

            That is not a situation that we want to create in our homes. The good news is that I think our children really do want to do what we ask them to do. They love us, and they want to have a good relationship with us. They are willing to consider what we have to say, but we’ve got to teach them how they can do it and why they should do it.

            So to sum things up for today, we are called by God to teach our children what to do, how to do it, and why to do it in a manner that will not provoke them to anger or discourage them so that we will not push them toward sin or crush their motivation. Now that’s easier said than done, right? But at least these commands give us some clarity! They put the target clearly within our sights, so that now we have something definite to shoot for. Now we can simply work to perfect our aim, so we can hit the bull’s eye in this process called parenting.

Notes:

1. William Barclay, The Letters to the Galatians and Ephesians, The New Daily Study Bible (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 2002), 202.