The Ways of a Wonderful Wife--1 Peter 3:1-6 (1 Peter Series)

            For many years, I’ve had some extended family on my Erickson side living in the area around Tuttle Creek Reservoir. They’re such distant relatives that my dad doesn’t even know them, so I’ve never met any of them, but while I was growing up, my dad was aware of an old, abandoned farmhouse where my grandfather used to visit some cousins during the summer when he was a child. Every so often, when we were headed somewhere else, we would go by that old farmhouse and stop in to take a look around.

            By the time I was in high school, it had probably been abandoned for decades, but we could still find some household things in there if we took the time to brush away some dust. On one trip, I remember my sister finding a book that was still in relatively good condition. Ironically, it was a book that my sister needed for her next semester in college, so she took it home and used it.

            Out of all of the books that we could’ve found in that abandoned farmhouse, the book that we stumbled across was The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan. Published in 1963, that book is credited with launching a second wave of feminism in the United States. Since that time, the role of women in society and in the home has been hotly debated, and the heat hasn’t died down since.

            For that reason, a passage of Scripture like 1 Peter 3:1-6 is very controversial in our society at large. I think it is probably quite a bit less controversial here in our own church, but nevertheless it does raise some very important questions. So we’ll deal with these questions today as we take a look at what I’ve called, “The Ways of a Wonderful Wife.”

1. A wonderful wife follows her husband's lead in the home (3:1a)

            That is the essence of what Peter means when he says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands.” The husband’s role in the home is to lead by being the “chief servant,” we might say. He is supposed to assess the needs of his family, prioritize them, and see to it either personally or through others that those needs are met. A wife’s role is to support and assist her husband in that task. It truly is a partnership and a team effort, but the husband is called to shoulder the greatest portion of that responsibility.

            This idea of a wife being subject to her husband does not mean that a husband is supposed to get extra perks or extra benefits that are not available to the wife. Rather, it simply means that a wife should allow her husband to set the direction or set the tone in the home. That does involve deferring to his judgment in the case of a disagreement over a certain decision (but of course, by that point, a wise husband will have thoroughly considered his wife’s point of view).

            Now, Peter is going to go on to talk about a situation in which a Christian wife is married to an unbelieving man, so that could raise the question, “Is this command to be subject only intended for wives with unbelieving husbands, or does it apply to all wives?” Other authors of Scripture, particularly the Apostle Paul, have echoed what Peter says here in different contexts, so by comparison we can see that this is God’s desire for all wives—that they follow their husband’s lead in the home.

And this does include a woman who is married to an unbeliever, as Peter points out in the next part of the passage.

2. A wonderful wife respects and honors even an unbelieving husband (3:1b-2)

            [READ 3:1-2] Respectful behavior and following her husband’s lead can have a significant evangelist impact on an unbelieving husband. Peter points out that such conduct is even more powerful than words—probably because an unbelieving husband might feel like he’s being nagged if his wife talks about her faith all the time.

            Now when Peter writes the phrase “without a word,” please notice that he’s not talking about marital communication in general. He’s not saying something like, “Women should be seen, not heard.” He is not at all saying that a wife should never share her opinion or that she should never ask questions about a decision her husband made. With that phrase, Peter is talking about the very specific situation of a believing wife making sure she doesn’t get too preachy with her unbelieving husband.

3. A wonderful wife's most attractive quality is her character (3:3-4)

            In the next two verses, Peter writes [READ vv. 3-4]. Let’s spend a bit of time discussing this carefully, because it probably raises a lot of questions for you.

            I think the first question that comes to mind is this—is Peter saying that a wife should never braid her hair or wear gold jewelry or wear nice clothes? Let me make a few observations to answer that question.

            First, for Peter to lay out a full-blown dress code with detailed regulations would be very much out of the spirit of New Testament theology. We have been set free from the Law of Moses with all of its detailed regulations, and we are not supposed to set up something like it again. Speaking to this very idea, Galatians 5:1 says, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

            Second, it doesn’t seem that Peter’s intention is to lay out an absolute dress code for women because his list isn’t quite comprehensive enough. Notice that he doesn’t mention anything about make-up. If Peter’s intention was to issue a full-blown dress code, it seems that he would surely mention make-up as part of that code.

            Third, comparison with other passages of Scripture indicates that it apparently can be acceptable to wear nice clothing. For example, there is a well-known passage in Proverbs 31 which describes the virtuous wife. Part of that description states, “her clothing is fine linen and purple (Prov 31:22). Purple clothing was particularly expensive in Israel because of the cost of purchasing the dye that was required to make it. So this woman is described as wearing some nice clothing.

            So it seems clear that Peter is not saying that a wife should never, ever braid her hair or wear jewelry or nice clothing. Notice that verse 3 is simply the first part of a contrast that’s completed in verse 4—a contrast between external adornment and internal adornment, and Peter says that internal adornment or “inner beauty” is far more important.

            Now, this contrast should make us ask ourselves, “How do I know if I’m living out the spirit of this contrast?” Another way to say this might be, “How do I know if I’m going too far with a focus on my external appearance? How should I make choices about what I wear and how I present myself?” I’d like to briefly give you three principles to consider. We’ll think of these principles as forming a triangle, with the inside of the triangle representing the area of relative freedom that we have for these choices.

Principle #1—Correct Comparison

            As we make our decisions in this area, we have to look to the example of Christ, not the example of people around us. We absolutely cannot simply follow the fashions of our culture without critically assessing them. Are the latest trends modest? Are they too expensive? Would they be offensive or questionable for the people whom God has placed in my life?

            Nor can we simply look at our culture’s typical excess in this area and think we’ve done fine if we merely dial our own behavior back a little bit by comparison. So for example, if you know that your neighbor spends $300 on new clothing every season, you can’t just set your own limit at $275 and pat yourself on the back for a job well done!

            Rather, we have to look to the example of Christ. He was willing to forgo many material comforts during his ministry in this world. Not only that, but when he came into this world, he veiled his heavenly glory beneath his human flesh. Peter, James, and John caught a glimpse of that glory during the Transfiguration, and it dazzled them, but apart from that moment, Jesus was willing to lay that aside and be content with a plain appearance. The prophecy of Isaiah 53 gives us some reason to believe that Jesus was just a very plain-looking man – and perhaps even a bit homely. So we, too, should be willing to deemphasize our outward appearance and not get all wrapped up in it.

Principle #2—Correct Priorities

            This is the heart of what Peter was getting at in verses three and four. Our priority should be to sculpt a beautiful character, not a beautiful body. Now, how do you assess what your real priorities are? One fairly accurate way is to look at how you spend your time and how you spend your money. Your time and your money are valuable commodities that we all feel a bit short on, don’t we? None of us feel like we have enough time or enough money, so the ways that we spend our time and our money say an awful lot about our priorities.

            So how much money do you spend on your appearance? When money feels particularly tight around your house, what are the first things to get cut out of your budget? Are you always able to find the money for that new pair of shoes or that new pair of jeans, but when a special offering comes around at church, you just don’t seem to have the money to spare?

            How much time do you spend on your appearance? Do you feel okay leaving the house in the morning without praying, but you wouldn’t be caught dead without your hair curled and your makeup on? Time and money aren’t the only ways to assess your priorities, but they’re pretty accurate for a quick check-up.

Principle #3—Correct Motivations

            This principle is all about why you do what you do. Why do you make the choices that you make with respect to your appearance? Some of you ladies might be doing certain things to please your husbands. Some of those requests might be fine, but men, whatever you do, please don’t put unrealistic expectations on your wife. Don’t look at that woman who’s given you two children and expect her to look like she’s 21 again! Our wives get enough pressure from the unreasonable expectations of our culture; whatever you do, men – don’t add to them!

            Now notice that if we picture these principles as the sides of a triangle, there is still some room inside that triangle for some freedom as we make our choices about our appearance. Some of you may not think about fashion for 15 minutes out of your whole year; others of you may enjoy fashion, so you may pay more attention to it. We don’t all have to make precisely the same choices when it comes to our appearance, but what we all must do is make sure that we are giving far more attention to our character.

4. A wonderful wife draws wisdom and inspiration from those who hope in God (3:5-6)

            [READ vv. 5-6a] Sarah calling Abraham “lord” was a culturally appropriate way of showing respect through the way that she spoke to her husband. Notice that it is an illustration, not a command. It simply highlights one way to show respect to your husband – through the way that you speak to him.

            Sarah would’ve been a powerful and meaningful example for the Jewish believers who first received this letter from Peter because she was the matriarch of the Jewish people. Their feelings toward Sarah could be compared to the way that we think about the Founding Fathers of our nation. We admire them and we would like to think that we are carrying on their values and ideals.

            So Peter’s choice of example yields this inspiring thought in the last part of verse six [READ v. 6b]. What does Peter mean by that last statement? Well, he’s not talking about a fear of spiders or a fear of snakes. Remember the context – he’s talking about the fears that a wife might face in the context of relating to her husband.

            It can be a very intimidating and worrisome thing to follow someone else’s lead. You’re liable to face times when you feel like your husband is not doing a good job, or you feel like he’s misunderstood something. It can be a frightening thing to say, “I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but I’m still going to follow his lead.”

            With that statement, Peter might again be thinking specifically of women who are married to an unbelieving husband. That setting introduces even more fears and worries as a wife contemplates the possibility that there might be moments when she has to choose to obey God rather than submit to what her husband has asked her to do.

            Notice that the key thought in all of this, ladies, comes back in verse five with the thought of hoping in God. Above all else, that is the key that will allow you to be a wonderful wife regardless of how your husband acts or whether your marriage is fulfilling or falling apart. Your sense of optimism and joy in life, your expectation of good things to come cannot be wrapped up in the thought that your marriage is always going to be happily ever after. Your greatest hope must be in God alone and the promises that he has made to you as his daughter through Christ.

            Keeping your hope in God will allow you to rise above the circumstances of your marriage – whether they are very good or very difficult. With your soul anchored in the Lord, you will be empowered to continue to do good and obey the commands of Christ no matter what. It will allow you to value the things that God values – such as character over physical beauty, or quiet trust in him and his plan rather than grasping for control and dominance. Hope in God, and adorn yourself with the beauty of holiness.