The ABC's of Biblical Parenting--Parenting Series

            There is a verse in Ecclesiastes that has long been a favorite of seminary students. It is Ecclesiastes 12:12, which says, “Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh.” For some reason, this verse has never made it into the AWANA program—I’m not sure why.

            Now, this verse could be a very fitting description for the parenting section at the bookstore. Before the poor employees get one parenting book on the shelf, the next one is already on its way. By the time you could read all of them, your kids would be grown and out of the house! You would have nothing to do with all of your knowledge except write books for the next generation of parents to read!

            Is there any way to boil down this task we call “parenting” to some basic principles? I think there is, and I think the Apostle Paul has done just that for us in two short commands that we find in his letters. By the way, I think its telling that we don’t have a long discussion in the Bible about parenting. The closest thing is the book of Proverbs, but that book deals with many other subjects as well. I think this is because the basic idea about parenting in the Bible is what we saw last week—just love God yourself, then show your kids how to do what you’re doing.

            We’re going to take a look at Paul’s commands this morning, and then we’ll answer three simple questions about them: 1) What are we supposed to do as parents?; 2) How are we supposed to do it?; and 3) Why are we supposed to do it this way?

            Let’s read the commandments in question. The first is found in Ephesians 6:4—“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The second is found in Colossians 3:21. It is very similar to the first command, but it adds an important detail to the discussion. This verse says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” That’s an important thought, and we’ll consider it more closely in just a moment.

            Let me make one observation before we jump into our questions. Both of these commands are addressed to fathers. Mothers are certainly not excluded; in fact, this Greek word sometimes refers to ancestors in general, both male and female. But fathers are emphasized in these verses because we are the leaders of the home. We bear the final responsibility of seeing that our homes are arranged according to God’s commands.

            We are just like managers in a business—we are not expected to do all of the work ourselves, but we are responsible for seeing that all of the work gets done in the right way. So it is in our homes—Mom may end up doing most of the parenting work (especially when our kids are infants and especially if Mom stays at home with the kids), but Dad is still responsible before God for all of it. So men, this means that we cannot be checked out of the parenting process. We need to be hands-on with our children when we can, and we need to communicate with Mom when we can’t. We must shoulder the responsibility!

Now let’s dive-in to the three questions that I have asked about these commands.

1. What are we supposed to do as parents?

            The first phrase of Ephesians 6:4 tells us what we are NOT supposed to do, so we’ll come back to that later. The second phrase tells us what we are supposed to do, that is, “bring [our children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Let’s think about these words “discipline” and “instruction.”

            Discipline is a perfectly good word—especially if you look it up in the dictionary—but it normally has negative connotations for us. When we hear “discipline,” we usually think of dishing out punishment after rules have been broken. Other translations use the word “training,” which is probably a better word in our language today.

            When we think of “training,” we might think of learning a new job or practicing with a sports team. When I worked at a bank several years ago, I spent my first week or so in training. They explained what I needed to do and how I would go about doing it. That’s an important combination—combining “what” with “how.” They didn’t just stick me in the teller window and say “make deposits” or “cash checks.” They explained how I would actually carry out those tasks.

            Have you ever been in a situation where someone expected you to do something but they didn’t effectively explain how you could actually accomplish the task? That’s frustrating, isn’t it? And it gets even worse if that person comes down on you for not accomplishing the task!

            There is a very important lesson here for the parenting task. As we raise our kids and tell them what they need to do, we also need to effectively explain how they can accomplish it. If we don’t, we’ll put them in that frustrating position that I just described, and we’ll make the situation even worse if we punish them while leaving the “how” question unanswered.

            Now the word “instruction” adds a third element to all of this—the element of “why.” The Greek term behind “instruction” refers to teaching that emphasizes the consequences of our choices; so it introduces the idea of warnings and incentives. When I worked at the bank, they had incentives in place to encourage us to refer our customers to our financial planning department (the folks who helped with investments and estate planning and trust funds and the like). Now I knew what the bank wanted me to do (they wanted me to make referrals), and I knew how I could accomplish that (I could arrange appointments), but my boss knew that I still might look at all of that and say, “What’s the point? Why should I bother?” So they put an incentive in place, which created an answer for my “why” question.

            So when we put all of this together, our basic answer to the first question is this: What are we supposed to do as parents? Teach our children what they should do, how they can do it, and why they should do it—all in light of God’s commands. This is fully biblical parenting—covering the bases of “what,” “how,” and “why” for our kids in light of God’s commands.

            Now I suspect we’re all pretty good at telling our kids what to do. As Christian parents, we’re probably accurate most of the time (I doubt you’ve ever told your child to do something that is just flat-out unbiblical). So we’re probably pretty good with the “what” side of things, but honestly we probably have a lot of struggles when it comes to “how” and “why.” Sometimes the “how” question is pretty simple. Think about asking your child to clean his room. That’s pretty straightforward—you can explain where they should put their toys and that sort of thing. But think about commands like “don’t talk back” or “don’t fight with your siblings.” Those are matters of the heart, aren’t they? In that case, we have to deal with questions like, “How can hold my tongue when I just want to speak my mind?” or “How can I live at peace with another person?” Now we’re talking about basic discipleship, which is more involved than just telling our kids where to put their toys.

            Or consider the “why” question. We have a fairly standard response when our kids us why they should do something—“because I said so!” That statement is true, but its not the whole truth, is it? Why should your kids obey you? Who made you so important? Well, God did, didn’t He? That’s the whole truth that we need to present to our kids.

            Now in just a couple of weeks, we’re going to devote some entire sermons to the “how” and “why” questions that are part of instructing our children, so we’ll move on for now. Just understand for the time being that fully biblical parenting must go beyond simply telling our kids what to do. We must also include the “how” and the “why.”

2. How are we supposed to do it?

            Based on these two commands, I think we can answer this question like so—in a manner that does not incite them to be angry or that will crush their spirit. In other words, we are to exercise our authority over our children with consideration for their emotions, their desires, their thoughts, and their motivation. This mindset in one sense is a protection for our children since they are called by God to obey us. I think they will have an easier time obeying us if they can tell that we are treating them in a considerate way.

            Now this idea reminds us of the God-given dignity and value that our children possess, and we as parents are responsible to take their God-given dignity into account as we raise them. This idea was revolutionary in the Roman culture of Paul’s day. Roman law operated by a principle that gave fathers absolute authority over their children. When a baby was born, the father had the right to decide if the child would live or die. If the child was the wrong gender or it was deformed in some way, the father could refuse to claim the child as his own, and if he rejected the child, it was either drowned or left somewhere to die of exposure. Even if a child was allowed to live, the father still retained absolute authority over its life. He could discipline the child however he desired—which included the option of putting the child to death.¹

            So imagine how odd it was in this culture for Paul to say “do not provoke your children to anger,” and “do not provoke [them], lest they become discouraged.” Where did this idea come from? Well, it came from God. Our children have God-given rights that we are not allowed to violate. If you’re tempted to think that you have unlimited authority over your children, you better think again. We are not allowed to sin against our children as we raise them. That rules out actions like dealing with them in anger or speaking harsh or bitter words against them.

            Now next week, we are going to talk about some ways in which parents commonly violate this command so that we can hopefully avoid this kind of behavior. But why is it so important that we act in this manner?

3. Why are we supposed to do it this way?

            Simply put, the answer is this—otherwise, we may push them toward sin or extinguish their motivation altogether. As Christian parents, pushing our children toward sin is exactly the opposite of what we hope to accomplish. Now of course, our children are always responsible before God for their own choices. They may choose a sinful path even though we have encouraged them toward a godly path.

            But it is possible for us to create an environment in our homes that actually makes sin look more desirable. What will our children learn if we deal with them in anger all the time? They will learn that anger is the way to exercise authority and control, so when they want to make themselves heard, how will they act? With anger! What will happen if we fail to give our children tender affection, and then a boyfriend or girlfriend comes along who is more than willing to give them unhealthy affection? Well, who cares if its unhealthy and its not real love at all—it still feels better and seems more promising than years of no affection at home.

            The other danger that Paul mentions is extinguishing our kids’ motivation altogether. Sometimes kids may not really choose a sinful path, but they won’t have the motivation to walk the godly path, either—so they won’t really rebel, they just won’t do much of anything! They won’t have much drive of their own at all. They won’t see the point in putting out effort to follow the godly path.

            I think this situation often comes about when we’ve told our children “what” to do for years and years, but we’ve never really told them “how” or “why.” Remember how frustrating that situation is? Let’s put this back in the context of your job—what happens when you’re in that situation for a long time? You either quit out of frustration, or you figure out how to do just enough to keep the boss of your back.

            That is not a situation that we want to create in our homes. The good news is that I think our children really do want to do what we ask them to do. They love us, and they want to have a good relationship with us. They are willing to consider what we have to say, but we’ve got to teach them how they can do it and why they should do it.

            So to sum things up for today, we are called by God to teach our children what to do, how to do it, and why to do it in a manner that will not provoke them to anger or discourage them so that we will not push them toward sin or crush their motivation. Now that’s easier said than done, right? But at least these commands give us some clarity! They put the target clearly within our sights, so that now we have something definite to shoot for. Now we can simply work to perfect our aim, so we can hit the bull’s eye in this process called parenting.

Notes:

1. William Barclay, The Letters to the Galatians and Ephesians, The New Daily Study Bible (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 2002), 202.