Guardrails for the Parenting Task--Parenting Series

            Many of you know that Carmen and I recently had the opportunity to minister at a Bible college in Jackson, WY. We decided to make the 15-hour drive this year rather than fly, and much of the time we were in areas that I wouldn’t exactly call “pretty.” But as we got closer to Jackson, we were driving directly through the mountains, which offered some breath-taking views. It also offered a few moments which made me think, “Man! That would have been a nice place for a guardrail!” Every so often, the road ran along the edge of a hill with a substantial drop-off, but there wasn’t a guardrail there to keep you on the road.

            Last week, as we studied the commands of Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21, we encountered a guardrail that is designed to help us safely reach our destination of biblical parenting. It was put in place to keep us from veering off into dangerous territory. This guardrail was most clearly expressed in the first phrase of Ephesians 6:4, which says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.”

            Today, we’re going to discuss some ways in which we commonly find ourselves on the wrong side of that guardrail. There are ways in which we can behave that are violations of that prohibition, and if we realize that we have veered off into dangerous territory, then we can make the changes that are necessary to correct our course.

In what ways might we violate the prohibition of Ephesians 6:4?

            As we answer this question, let’s consider a general guideline, and then we’ll talk about some specific behaviors that are more common. Our general guideline is very simple—any sin would be a violation of this prohibition. If we sin against our children, we would be tempting them to get angry and would be pushing them in that direction. So anything that the Bible calls a sin is off-limits for us in our relationships with our kids.

            This is obvious when we stop and think about it, but the problem is that we don’t always stop and think about it. We don’t tend to place biblical commands in the context of our relationship with our kids. Think about the command in Colossians 4:6, which says, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Normally when we hear a command like that, we’ll think about that in terms of speaking to our neighbors or co-workers, and maybe we’ll think about it in the context of marriage, but we rarely get around to thinking about it in the context of speaking to our children.

            In my opinion, we might fail to connect these dots because we have an incorrect view of parental authority. Its easy for us to think of ourselves like dictators in our own homes, and thus we get to play by some different set of rules. We can also embrace a bizarre pragmatism which says that as long as I get my kids to “obey,” anything I do to reach that goal is okay.

            That mindset is not what parental authority is all about. We’re much more like middle management in a corporation—our task is to take whatever comes from corporate headquarters (God) and implement it on the local level (the home). Our parental authority is set within the bounds of God’s commands, so we have no freedom to violate them just because we have some authority in our homes.

            Now on a practical level, I think we might fail to connect these dots because when we’re at home, we want to relax and let our guard down. We don’t want to keep our spiritual guard up, so we actually become easy targets for temptation because we’re not on the lookout for it.

            Certainly we do want our homes to have a relaxing atmosphere, but the way to create that atmosphere is to keep your spiritual guard up, not let it down. When we all let our spiritual guard down, that’s when we create the environment in which everyone is walking around on eggshells because someone is liable to blow up at any moment! So we must ask the Lord to help us keep our spiritual guard up at all times, even when we are at home.

Now what are some common ways in which we might provoke our children to anger? This is not a complete list by any means, but I do think we can focus on three areas.

1. Sins of Speech

            We may sin through the words we say in several ways.

            a. In content (Matthew 5:22)

            Sometimes we just choose our words very poorly when we speak to our children. They might make a particular choice sometime, and in a moment of exasperation we may say, “How could you have been so stupid?” Obviously, that’s not a good tone of voice, but the choice of words itself is sinful. In Matthew 5:22, Jesus says, “whoever insults his brother will be liable to the [court], and whoever says, ‘you fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.”

            Words that are insulting and degrading have no place in our communication with our children. They violate the basic dignity that our children possess as human beings, made in the image of God. According to James 3, this is what makes sins of speech sinful—we are tearing down something to which God gave His own resemblance, so to speak. So everyone deserves a basic level of respect from us, and that includes our children.

            b. In manner (Colossians 4:6)

            Sometimes its not what you say, but how you say it—right? Our body language and tone of voice can express all kinds of sinful attitudes—anger, impatience, rudeness, arrogance. All of these are sinful attitudes that we are to put off.

            Consider the command I mentioned earlier from Colossians 4:6—“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt (that means ‘palatable’), so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Again, we are sometimes tempted to think that we have a different set of rules in the home because we as parents are the authority, but we don’t! We don’t get a pass on the way we speak to our kids just because we have authority, so we must watch the way we say things.

            c. In timing/location (Proverbs 15:23)

            We may cause our children unnecessary embarrassment by dealing with something publicly that should be dealt with in private. We may need to take our children out of a public setting to deal with something right away, but that is different from speaking to them or punishing them out in the open. Not only could we cause unnecessary embarrassment for our kids, we will probably also make them less inclined to hear what we have to say. Proverbs 15:23 says, “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!” Saying the right thing at the wrong time can make the right thing come across the wrong way!

2. Sins of Action

           

            a. Dealing with our children in anger (James 1:19-20)

            We can easily provoke our children to anger if we deal with them in anger because they’ll simply be taking their cues from us!  In those situations, they’re just reflecting our own behavior back to us. If its okay for you to act that way, then it must be okay for them to act that way—at least that’s how they’ll look at it.

            James 1:19-20 says, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Anger can be appropriate when we are angry on behalf of God. That’s why James says to be “slow to anger”—we’ve got to sort out those feelings and assess them. All other anger is the anger of man, which James says does not produce the righteousness of God.

            Its important to note that this anger does not produce God’s righteousness in us or in our children. Sometimes anger appears to work because it can force our kids to shape up out of fear, but don’t confuse that for godly character in them. Once they reach the point where they are no longer afraid of you, you will quickly discover that they have not developed godly character.

            Anger toward our children often arises from selfish goals and motivations. James 4:1-2 is very informative on this point: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder (and remember, in Matthew 5, Jesus said anger is just as serious as murder). You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.”

            So why do you snap at your kids? Because you are coveting something and their behavior keeps you from having it, so you get angry. Perhaps you want peace and quiet—no matter what anyone else wants—but the kids are making some noise, so you get angry. Perhaps you wanted other people to think you’re a perfect parent, but your kids do something that embarrasses you, so you get angry.

            If you are quick to get angry with your kids, that is a dead giveaway that their behavior is obstructing some kind of sinful goal that you want to pursue. Their behavior may be sinful, but for your heart, that is irrelevant. Remember—you are called to implement God’s standards in your home, and God says, “let all bitterness and wrath and anger…be put away from you” (Ephesians 4:30).

            b. Playing favorites between siblings (or comparing them to each other) (James 2:1; Eph. 5:1)

            You might be familiar with how poorly this behavior worked out in the book of Genesis. Isaac and Rebekah played favorites and nearly drove Esau to murder Jacob; Jacob should have known better, but he played favorites, too, and nearly got his favorite son killed! Even if you never incite homicide in your family, remember—Jesus said that anger is just as bad.

            Asking your kids why they’re not more like their siblings is also unproductive. I’ve never heard of a situation where a child said, “You know what, Mom and Dad, you’re right! I should be more like my brother. Thanks for pointing that out to me!” Besides, we’re pointing our kids toward the wrong standard when we compare them to their siblings. Ephesians 5:1 says, “be imitators of God, as beloved children.” If Johnny isn’t exactly like Timmy, that’s okay—if Johnny is imitating God. That’s the real example that he should follow.

            c. Disciplining in unjust ways

                        1) Enforcing inconsistent standards/standards that change arbitrarily

            Have you ever played a board game with a child who switches the rules all the time—just making up any old rule whenever it suits him? We play along with that behavior sometimes, but its very frustrating, isn’t it? It doesn’t make the game very enjoyable.

            Well, imagine if that’s how your child feels about your home—he never knows exactly what the rules are or whether they will be enforced on a certain day, and he gets punished for breaking rules he “should have known,” even though they were never explained to him before. That’s going to create a very frustrating situation in your home.

            When it comes to the rules of your home, the most important lesson for your children to learn is that you mean what you say. Its not even necessary to have a lot of rules—after all, you can’t anticipate everything that may come up. It is most important for your children to learn that when you announce a rule, you will enforce it fairly and consistently. That lesson will teach them to respond to your authority when you have to address other situations that come up.

                        2) Disciplining without just cause (for accidents or without establishing who deserves what)

            Sometimes as a parent, you may come into a situation where its easiest to just exercise “the nuclear option”—where everyone in a five-mile radius gets a spanking! Maybe your kids are fighting or something was broken, and when you come upon the scene, the easiest thing to do is just rain down fire from heaven on everyone.

            Well, it certainly could be true that each child involved deserves discipline, but you need to establish that fact first. After all, you can’t effectively instruct your child if you don’t know exactly what he or she did—and punishment without instruction is not biblical discipline. Proverbs 29:15 says, “The rod and reproof give wisdom.” When you punish your child, you need to make sure he knows why he is being punished and how he can avoid further punishment in the future.

            Honestly, I think it is better NOT to carry out a punishment than to punish without just cause. If your child knows he is being punished unfairly, your punishment will not have its desired effect. In his heart, your child will not yield to your authority—he will chafe under it because he knows he is being treated unfairly.

                        3) Using excessive physical force which leaves lasting physical damage

            Spanking is somewhat controversial today, but it is a decidedly biblical method of discipline for our children, and I believe parents should make use of it when they deem it necessary. But the physical force that we use must be minimal and controlled. Any level of force that leaves bruises, welts, or broken skin is almost certainly too much.

            Also, when spanking is carried out in anger, it is no longer a biblical expression of discipline. We must make sure that we are in control of our emotions before we ever begin the process of spanking. After all, we are trying to teach our children self-control through our discipline, so we must model it for them.

3.  Sins of Omission

            This phrase refers to actions that we should do, but fail to carry out. It is based on the teaching of James 4:17, which says, “whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” What examples of this category of sin may come up in our parenting?

            A. Failing to speak words of praise or words of correction

            Parents have long recognized the power that our words have to shape our children, but its not uncommon to find one of two extremes among parents. Some parents are so afraid of raising children who are “soft” or conceited that they rarely, if ever, speak words of praise to their kids. Other parents are so concerned about their child’s self-esteem that they rarely, if ever, speak words of correction.

            Both of these approaches are unnecessary extremes that do not match scriptural teaching about our speech. The book of Proverbs praises the value of correction and teaches us to offer it in a thoughtful way that will increase the likelihood that it is received well. The same book also stresses the power of kind words to nourish the soul.

            Using words of praise and words of correction is a must for all parents. There is little to fear about going to extremes as long as you include both types of speech. Correct when necessary, and praise when appropriate, and your child will receive the benefits of correction and praise without facing the drawbacks of unbalanced communication.

            B. Failing to confess our sins and ask for forgiveness

            As human beings with a sinful heart, we will at times sin against our kids—we have already talked about many such scenarios today. When we do, it is vital that we confess those sins to them and ask for their forgiveness. We’re not fooling anyone when we refuse to admit when we have actually been wrong. We’re not fooling God, we’re not fooling our kids, and we’re really not fooling ourselves, either, since we normally face guilt when we refuse to confess our sins.

            Some parents seem to think that confessing their sins to their children is a sign of “weakness” that will cause their kids to think less of their parental authority. I am convinced that the opposite is true—confessing your sins is a sign of spiritual strength which will endear you to your children.

            Only parents who exercise control through fear and intimidation must maintain an aura of perfection at all costs. On the contrary, when we follow a biblical model of parenting, confessing your sins is a powerful way to teach your children that we all have to play by the same set of rules—God’s rules! No one is exempt from obeying Him—not even Mom and Dad. This lesson points our children toward their proper and ultimate authority, which is where we want to direct them anyway!

            C. Failing to show our children physical affection

            This issue may be a greater struggle for fathers. As men, we’re not so much the touchy-feely type. We’re a little less like mama cats, and a little more like male rams; we would just as soon hit someone on the football field as hug someone. But physical affection is very important. Sometimes, a simple hand on the shoulder can communicate more than our words could ever say.

            I’ve been told that physical affection is especially important between fathers and daughters as girls are entering the teenage years. Most girls are already extremely self-conscious about their body at that point in time, so if Dad stops giving her hugs or kisses, it can apparently exaggerate her confusion and insecurity. A father’s continued affection can be just the point of stability that a girl needs to deal with the changes that are taking place.

            We’ve covered almost a “dirty dozen” today as we’ve discussed some common ways in which we might provoke our children to anger. It may seem at this point that it is much easier to fail as a parent than to succeed, but please remember that these warnings today are the guardrails for the parenting task. As you’re driving down the road, its not the guardrails that deserve your focus—it’s the road and the destination. The best way to avoid the guardrails is not to focus on them, but on the road ahead. The guardrails are only there to bump us back in the right direction.

            As parents, we do not need to live in fear of failure. Rather, we can thank God for the parameters that He has put in place which help us instead to enjoy the scenery as we grow closer to Him, and bring our children along for the adventure.

The ABC's of Biblical Parenting--Parenting Series

            There is a verse in Ecclesiastes that has long been a favorite of seminary students. It is Ecclesiastes 12:12, which says, “Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh.” For some reason, this verse has never made it into the AWANA program—I’m not sure why.

            Now, this verse could be a very fitting description for the parenting section at the bookstore. Before the poor employees get one parenting book on the shelf, the next one is already on its way. By the time you could read all of them, your kids would be grown and out of the house! You would have nothing to do with all of your knowledge except write books for the next generation of parents to read!

            Is there any way to boil down this task we call “parenting” to some basic principles? I think there is, and I think the Apostle Paul has done just that for us in two short commands that we find in his letters. By the way, I think its telling that we don’t have a long discussion in the Bible about parenting. The closest thing is the book of Proverbs, but that book deals with many other subjects as well. I think this is because the basic idea about parenting in the Bible is what we saw last week—just love God yourself, then show your kids how to do what you’re doing.

            We’re going to take a look at Paul’s commands this morning, and then we’ll answer three simple questions about them: 1) What are we supposed to do as parents?; 2) How are we supposed to do it?; and 3) Why are we supposed to do it this way?

            Let’s read the commandments in question. The first is found in Ephesians 6:4—“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The second is found in Colossians 3:21. It is very similar to the first command, but it adds an important detail to the discussion. This verse says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” That’s an important thought, and we’ll consider it more closely in just a moment.

            Let me make one observation before we jump into our questions. Both of these commands are addressed to fathers. Mothers are certainly not excluded; in fact, this Greek word sometimes refers to ancestors in general, both male and female. But fathers are emphasized in these verses because we are the leaders of the home. We bear the final responsibility of seeing that our homes are arranged according to God’s commands.

            We are just like managers in a business—we are not expected to do all of the work ourselves, but we are responsible for seeing that all of the work gets done in the right way. So it is in our homes—Mom may end up doing most of the parenting work (especially when our kids are infants and especially if Mom stays at home with the kids), but Dad is still responsible before God for all of it. So men, this means that we cannot be checked out of the parenting process. We need to be hands-on with our children when we can, and we need to communicate with Mom when we can’t. We must shoulder the responsibility!

Now let’s dive-in to the three questions that I have asked about these commands.

1. What are we supposed to do as parents?

            The first phrase of Ephesians 6:4 tells us what we are NOT supposed to do, so we’ll come back to that later. The second phrase tells us what we are supposed to do, that is, “bring [our children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Let’s think about these words “discipline” and “instruction.”

            Discipline is a perfectly good word—especially if you look it up in the dictionary—but it normally has negative connotations for us. When we hear “discipline,” we usually think of dishing out punishment after rules have been broken. Other translations use the word “training,” which is probably a better word in our language today.

            When we think of “training,” we might think of learning a new job or practicing with a sports team. When I worked at a bank several years ago, I spent my first week or so in training. They explained what I needed to do and how I would go about doing it. That’s an important combination—combining “what” with “how.” They didn’t just stick me in the teller window and say “make deposits” or “cash checks.” They explained how I would actually carry out those tasks.

            Have you ever been in a situation where someone expected you to do something but they didn’t effectively explain how you could actually accomplish the task? That’s frustrating, isn’t it? And it gets even worse if that person comes down on you for not accomplishing the task!

            There is a very important lesson here for the parenting task. As we raise our kids and tell them what they need to do, we also need to effectively explain how they can accomplish it. If we don’t, we’ll put them in that frustrating position that I just described, and we’ll make the situation even worse if we punish them while leaving the “how” question unanswered.

            Now the word “instruction” adds a third element to all of this—the element of “why.” The Greek term behind “instruction” refers to teaching that emphasizes the consequences of our choices; so it introduces the idea of warnings and incentives. When I worked at the bank, they had incentives in place to encourage us to refer our customers to our financial planning department (the folks who helped with investments and estate planning and trust funds and the like). Now I knew what the bank wanted me to do (they wanted me to make referrals), and I knew how I could accomplish that (I could arrange appointments), but my boss knew that I still might look at all of that and say, “What’s the point? Why should I bother?” So they put an incentive in place, which created an answer for my “why” question.

            So when we put all of this together, our basic answer to the first question is this: What are we supposed to do as parents? Teach our children what they should do, how they can do it, and why they should do it—all in light of God’s commands. This is fully biblical parenting—covering the bases of “what,” “how,” and “why” for our kids in light of God’s commands.

            Now I suspect we’re all pretty good at telling our kids what to do. As Christian parents, we’re probably accurate most of the time (I doubt you’ve ever told your child to do something that is just flat-out unbiblical). So we’re probably pretty good with the “what” side of things, but honestly we probably have a lot of struggles when it comes to “how” and “why.” Sometimes the “how” question is pretty simple. Think about asking your child to clean his room. That’s pretty straightforward—you can explain where they should put their toys and that sort of thing. But think about commands like “don’t talk back” or “don’t fight with your siblings.” Those are matters of the heart, aren’t they? In that case, we have to deal with questions like, “How can hold my tongue when I just want to speak my mind?” or “How can I live at peace with another person?” Now we’re talking about basic discipleship, which is more involved than just telling our kids where to put their toys.

            Or consider the “why” question. We have a fairly standard response when our kids us why they should do something—“because I said so!” That statement is true, but its not the whole truth, is it? Why should your kids obey you? Who made you so important? Well, God did, didn’t He? That’s the whole truth that we need to present to our kids.

            Now in just a couple of weeks, we’re going to devote some entire sermons to the “how” and “why” questions that are part of instructing our children, so we’ll move on for now. Just understand for the time being that fully biblical parenting must go beyond simply telling our kids what to do. We must also include the “how” and the “why.”

2. How are we supposed to do it?

            Based on these two commands, I think we can answer this question like so—in a manner that does not incite them to be angry or that will crush their spirit. In other words, we are to exercise our authority over our children with consideration for their emotions, their desires, their thoughts, and their motivation. This mindset in one sense is a protection for our children since they are called by God to obey us. I think they will have an easier time obeying us if they can tell that we are treating them in a considerate way.

            Now this idea reminds us of the God-given dignity and value that our children possess, and we as parents are responsible to take their God-given dignity into account as we raise them. This idea was revolutionary in the Roman culture of Paul’s day. Roman law operated by a principle that gave fathers absolute authority over their children. When a baby was born, the father had the right to decide if the child would live or die. If the child was the wrong gender or it was deformed in some way, the father could refuse to claim the child as his own, and if he rejected the child, it was either drowned or left somewhere to die of exposure. Even if a child was allowed to live, the father still retained absolute authority over its life. He could discipline the child however he desired—which included the option of putting the child to death.¹

            So imagine how odd it was in this culture for Paul to say “do not provoke your children to anger,” and “do not provoke [them], lest they become discouraged.” Where did this idea come from? Well, it came from God. Our children have God-given rights that we are not allowed to violate. If you’re tempted to think that you have unlimited authority over your children, you better think again. We are not allowed to sin against our children as we raise them. That rules out actions like dealing with them in anger or speaking harsh or bitter words against them.

            Now next week, we are going to talk about some ways in which parents commonly violate this command so that we can hopefully avoid this kind of behavior. But why is it so important that we act in this manner?

3. Why are we supposed to do it this way?

            Simply put, the answer is this—otherwise, we may push them toward sin or extinguish their motivation altogether. As Christian parents, pushing our children toward sin is exactly the opposite of what we hope to accomplish. Now of course, our children are always responsible before God for their own choices. They may choose a sinful path even though we have encouraged them toward a godly path.

            But it is possible for us to create an environment in our homes that actually makes sin look more desirable. What will our children learn if we deal with them in anger all the time? They will learn that anger is the way to exercise authority and control, so when they want to make themselves heard, how will they act? With anger! What will happen if we fail to give our children tender affection, and then a boyfriend or girlfriend comes along who is more than willing to give them unhealthy affection? Well, who cares if its unhealthy and its not real love at all—it still feels better and seems more promising than years of no affection at home.

            The other danger that Paul mentions is extinguishing our kids’ motivation altogether. Sometimes kids may not really choose a sinful path, but they won’t have the motivation to walk the godly path, either—so they won’t really rebel, they just won’t do much of anything! They won’t have much drive of their own at all. They won’t see the point in putting out effort to follow the godly path.

            I think this situation often comes about when we’ve told our children “what” to do for years and years, but we’ve never really told them “how” or “why.” Remember how frustrating that situation is? Let’s put this back in the context of your job—what happens when you’re in that situation for a long time? You either quit out of frustration, or you figure out how to do just enough to keep the boss of your back.

            That is not a situation that we want to create in our homes. The good news is that I think our children really do want to do what we ask them to do. They love us, and they want to have a good relationship with us. They are willing to consider what we have to say, but we’ve got to teach them how they can do it and why they should do it.

            So to sum things up for today, we are called by God to teach our children what to do, how to do it, and why to do it in a manner that will not provoke them to anger or discourage them so that we will not push them toward sin or crush their motivation. Now that’s easier said than done, right? But at least these commands give us some clarity! They put the target clearly within our sights, so that now we have something definite to shoot for. Now we can simply work to perfect our aim, so we can hit the bull’s eye in this process called parenting.

Notes:

1. William Barclay, The Letters to the Galatians and Ephesians, The New Daily Study Bible (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 2002), 202.

Carving the Love of God into Your Children--Parenting Series

            There was once a man with a wife and three children. This man was a hard-working man who often worked long—and sometimes odd—hours, though it wouldn’t be fair to call him a workaholic. He was devoted to his job only because it allowed him to meet his goal of providing for his family. He really had a much greater devotion to his family, and above all else, to God.

            His devotion to God was on full display in the choices that he made. This man could have easily stayed out of church activities, and many people would have been understanding because of his work schedule, but he never missed church, and he even taught Sunday School for a number of years. His car transformed into a taxi on AWANA night, and many kids came only because he was willing to pick them up. In those days, Vacation Bible School was still normally held during the day, and he would take an entire week of his vacation time to volunteer.

            Despite this man’s busy schedule, he was still very devoted to his family. Rarely did he miss a ball game or a choir concert, and on one occasion, he even broke into a classroom when some props had been accidentally locked inside. Even when he knew he would be going back to work, he would still come home for dinner, and around the table he would often casually talk about things he had heard on the radio. Sometimes he would launch into a well-worn speech about how atheistic evolution was the dumbest idea he had ever heard.

            This man has grown older now, and his mind is not always very clear. He can’t really make it through his evolution speech anymore, but I am told that he never thinks more clearly than when he is praying. I guess old habits really do die hard.

            Since I am so familiar with this man, you may have already guessed that he is my dad. He is not perfect by any means—I could list his vices just the same as his virtues—but to me he has always embodied the ideals of Deuteronomy 6:4-9: devotion to God above all else, then to family as part of devotion to God. This passage is foundational for the subject of parenting, so let’s take a closer look at it today. Follow with me as I read it in context, beginning in v. 1 [READ Deut. 6:1-9].

The first lesson I would like to highlight from these verses is…

1. Teaching God’s commands to your children is simply part of your own devotion to God

            As we read vv. 4-9, perhaps you noticed an overall structure to these verses. In v. 4, Moses makes an assertion about God, and then we read this repeated phrase, “you shall…you shall…you shall.” Moses is simply teaching us a truth about God in v. 4, then he is telling us in vv. 5-9 what we should do in response to that truth. Notice that the command about parenting is simply one of those responses, and its tied up with the rest of them; it is not separated out as though it is in a category by itself.

            Let’s take a closer look at these verses before we draw an application from the overall structure. Verse 4 says, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one,” or we could also translate, “the one and only.” This verse was the heartbeat of the Jewish faith. If football and TV had been around back then, you would have seen Jewish people sitting behind the goalposts with a sign that said, “Deuteronomy 6:4.” It had the same kind of place that John 3:16 has in Christianity today.

            The Jewish people lived in a time and place in which most people worshipped several gods. Some of them may have been seen as more powerful than others, but they all deserved some degree of worship. The God of Israel, however, declared that He was it—He was the one and only God, and as such He deserved all worship.

            Consequently, that’s exactly the point that Moses made with the first “you shall” statement in v. 5: “you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” I think there is a profound thought in the way that Moses said this—he said, “you shall love.” That puts our response to God in the context of a relationship. Love speaks of intimacy and affection. If this is the proper way to respond to God, it must mean that this is what God desires to have with us—a relationship of intimacy and affection.

            Now since we’re thinking about the subject of parenting, let me point out that this is a powerful insight for pointing our children toward God. Our kids tend to love what we love, especially when they’re young. They will usually root for the same teams that we root for and take an interest in the same hobbies that we’re interested in. They will tend to love the people whom we love, and yes—they tend to pick up our prejudices, too. But if they see in our lives that we love God—that we have intimacy with Him and affection toward Him—they will very likely start to develop that same love.

            In v. 6, we find the next “you shall” statement: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.” Jewish people back then associated the heart with thinking, rather than the mind or the brain like we do today. So in our language, Moses was simply telling the people to keep God’s commands on their minds. They were supposed to know them and think about them, which would allow them to carry out the next “you shall” statement in v. 7: “you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”

            We’ll look more closely at this statement in just a moment, but for now, just recognize that Moses includes it as part of our overall response of love to God. He didn’t begin v. 7 with, “And now, on a totally unrelated note, teach your kids!” No—this task is simply part of our proper response to God in light of the fact that He is the one and only God.

            The final “you shall” statements come in vv. 8-9: “You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” The hand is the organ of action, and the eyes are the gateway to the inner man, so all of our actions and everything that comes into the mind or heart should be assessed by God’s commands. Likewise, our home life is to be arranged according to God’s commands. Everything that comes into our home and takes place there should be assessed by God’s commands.

            Now notice again how the command to teach our children is simply a part of our response to God in the same way as these other commands. I think this lesson can help us tremendously as we seek to be consistent in teaching and disciplining our children. Being consistent is one of the hardest parts of keeping the parenting process going moment after moment (let’s not even talk about day after day because each moment can have enough trouble of its own!). Its hard to consistently teach our kids because it requires effort.

            Sometimes its easier to let moments slip by without making the effort to teach or to discipline. But consider this—in many other activities we fight to be consistent because we think of them as acts of worship which express our love to God. We fight to be consistent in reading the Bible and praying and keeping our temper and holding our tongue and being honest because we think of these things in light of our relationship with God.

            We don’t give ourselves a pass on lying just because we didn’t feel like telling the truth. We fight to be honest because we love God, so here’s the key—we need to think of parenting in those same terms. The reason to fight for consistency as parents is because we love God; the reason to teach and discipline is because we love God. Its really not about our kids in the first place!

            This attitude is the bedrock of consistency in our parenting efforts. It allows us to say, “God, my kids are driving me crazy! I don’t feel like teaching or disciplining in this moment, but because I love you I choose to do what you ask.” Parenting is just as much a part of our response of love to God as praying and singing hymns; remembering this lesson is the key to consistency in our efforts.

Let’s take a closer look now at the specifics of the command to teach our kids. Here is the basic lesson that we discover in this verse…

2. Teaching God’s commands to your children is a moment-by-moment process that is carried out during the normal course of life

            Let’s read v. 7 once more: “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” The four phrases at the end combine to describe the normal course of life. Wherever we are, whatever time it is, whatever circumstances we are in, we are to be teaching our children the commandments of God.

            The words “teach them diligently” translates a Hebrew verb that speaks of sharpening something. The word picture it creates in this verse is that of engraving or carving God’s commands into our children. I’ve never been into carving, but that’s a great word picture for parenting. When you carve something out of wood, for instance, you don’t hack off large pieces of wood with each stroke. It’s a slow and steady process—a delicate process—where you shave off tiny pieces with each pass of the knife.

            If we put this word picture for teaching in the context of the normal routine of life, the resulting thought is that we should take advantage of every circumstance and every moment to delicately carve our child’s character a little bit more than the moment before. That’s a beautiful way to think about parenting. It reminds us that the teaching process isn’t going to happen all at once. It encourages us to be patient, but also steady and deliberate.

            Let me point out an assumption within this command and an implication of this command. First of all, the assumption—this command assumes that you will be with your children in a variety of circumstances. You can’t teach them in a variety of circumstances if you’re not with them in a variety of circumstances.

            Now in Old Testament times, society was structured in a way that tended to draw parents and children together in various circumstances. Children were not typically educated outside the home—they were normally educated within the home, and boys would normally take on whatever occupation their father was in (“take your child to work day” was every day). So parents and children were together in the domestic setting of the home, an educational setting and an occupational setting.

            But consider the structure of our society today. You wake up in the morning and go to work—perhaps husband and wife both go to work—and your children go to school. You don’t see them again until at least the middle of the afternoon, and at various stages of life it might be more like 6- or 7 o’ clock. Then, they may have an activity in the evening or you may have an activity or a meeting, and before you know it, the day is over before there has been much opportunity for interaction.

            Now we can make some choices to structure our families in a different way, but we can’t escape from this structure completely. So what we must realize is that this structure tends to pull us apart rather than draw us together, which means that if we’re going to be together as families we have to make intentional choices to be together. The structure of our society will not help us with that, so we have to be thoughtful about how we can do it.

            In order to fulfill this command, then, we need to creatively and intentionally find ways to be together with our children. So what can we do? Well, for example, if you have other people over for dinner, don’t automatically send the kids off somewhere else to a kids’ table. If you can all fit around one table, do it. Let the kids listen to and even participate in adult conversation. They don’t have to sit there all night, but keep them together with you for a while.

            Or, if you take business trips at times, see about taking one of your children with you. That may not always be possible, but sometimes—with a little effort—it may, and what a valuable experience for your kids to see you in a business context. Those of you who farm have a great advantage in letting your kids work alongside you as they grow up.

            Finally, the implication of this command—you as a parent are the only one who will be with your child in a wide variety of circumstances, so this command gives you a role that no one else can fill. Schoolteachers cannot fill this role; pastors and Sunday School teachers cannot fill this role. The task of carving God’s commands into your children lies squarely at your feet because you are the constant for your children in all the comings and goings of life.

            But please don’t think of this role as an overwhelming responsibility; choose to see it instead as an unequaled opportunity. You are indispensible! You have a role that no one else can play! In terms of human relationships, you are the greatest influence in your child’s life and you are the object of your child’s greatest affections. That never really changes—its just not as cool for them to say it when they get older!

            You have a power to shape your children that is unrivaled, so if you will love God with all of your heart, all of your soul, and all of your might, and then delicately carve that love into your children, your influence can last for a lifetime!

Responding to Homosexuality with Grace and Truth--Political Issues Series

            Balance is one of the most difficult things to achieve in life. It takes our bodies quite a while to learn how to get all of our muscles working together to keep us balanced as we walk or ride a bike. Who doesn’t struggle to maintain a balanced diet? How many of us feel like we’ve achieved a healthy balance between our jobs and our responsibilities at home?

            Maintaining balance is a constant challenge for us, and the situation is no different as we try to respond to homosexuality. Many churches today are embracing one of two extremes on this subject—they are either embracing it with open arms and removing the label of “sinfulness” from it, or they are returning the anger and suspicion that they are receiving from some pro-gay activists.

            Both of these responses are wrong, but how can we forge a balanced response in which we neither approve of homosexuality nor treat homosexuals with hatred and arrogance? Well, as we did with our series on abortion, we must consider the example of Jesus, who perfectly embodied both grace and truth. So today, we are going to consider how to respond to homosexuality with these two qualities. As we did with abortion, we are going to begin with the idea of truth and then balance our defense of the truth with grace.

1. How can we respond to homosexuality with truth?

            A. We must embrace the proper attitude toward homosexuality

            This step requires a delicate balancing act itself! On the one hand, we must not view homosexuality as “more sinful” than other sins. Now to be clear, all sins are NOT created equal in terms of their effects in the world. Murder clearly has different effects than selfishness, and for that reason it has different consequences as well. But in terms of making us guilty in light of God’s commands, all sins are exactly the same. James put it this way in James 2:10-11 (this is from the New Living Translation, which I think says it well): “For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God's laws. ¹¹ For the same God who said, "You must not commit adultery," also said, "You must not murder." So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.”

            So we must not place homosexuality in a special category, as though it makes a person “more guilty” in the eyes of God. If we do, that mindset can easily foster pride and arrogance in our hearts. However, I think we are often tempted to place homosexuality in a different category than other sins for two reasons. First, very few of us have ever dealt with that temptation; thus, it is very foreign to us. We’re not likely to think that a sin is worse than other sins if we have been tempted to commit it. If anything, we want to lessen the severity of a sin in that situation! But since so many of us have never walked in the homosexual’s shoes, so to speak, its easier for us to treat that sin differently.

            Second, we may place homosexuality in a special category because we’re often repulsed by the way that it is celebrated today. I have yet to see anyone organize a liar’s-pride parade, but all around us today we see gay pride parades that openly flaunt and celebrate this sin. Its not hard to feel offended by such things, but that still doesn’t mean that we should consider homosexuality to be “more sinful” than other sins.

            On the other hand, we must not view homosexuality as “no big deal,” either. This is the trend of our culture, and we must not get swept along with it. It seems that a majority of people in our country today are still opposed to gay marriage, but I think most people don’t consider homosexuality itself to be that big of a deal. As long as we’re talking about two consenting adults, I think most people would say, “It’s a little weird, but its no big deal.” We must avoid adopting that attitude.

            Here is where I will start to sound like a fundamentalist—I strongly believe that we need to avoid watching, for entertainment purposes, movies and TV shows that portray homosexuality as acceptable behavior. When a TV show features a gay couple raising a child and calls it “The New Normal,” isn’t it obvious that there’s an agenda behind it? Especially when just under 4% of Americans identify themselves as gay or bisexual.¹ Gay behavior is not even statistically normal, yet the TV producers would have us believe it is “The New Normal,” and that this is what a “Modern Family” looks like.

            Now, its easy for us to tell ourselves that watching a show for entertainment doesn’t change our perspective about the behavior that the show portrays. After all, we don’t watch a show that portrays homosexuality in a good light and then think, “Hey, I’d like to try that!” Since we don’t have that response, we think that our attitude toward homosexuality has not been changed. But I would argue that if we are amused by portrayal of sin, it will de-sensitize us to that sin’s presence in our society. We will be less broken-hearted over it, and less likely to consider it a serious issue. At that point, we will be less likely to take serious steps to help people who are caught up in that lifestyle.

            Media like the television and movies appeal to our imagination, and we consistently underestimate how powerfully our imagination shapes our attitudes. One author has written, “When you stop to think about it, you soon realize that our imagination is what our whole social life is really based on…In practically everything we do, it’s the combination of emotion and intellect that we call imagination that goes to work.”³ Do we really believe that we can hand our imagination over to Hollywood for an hour—or two hours or three hours—every night, and somehow it will not infiltrate our attitudes and opinions? That idea is terribly naïve.

            So this is the delicate balance that we must maintain—we must walk a thin line between viewing homosexuality as either too sinful or not sinful enough. Trying to maintain this balance might make us reluctant to speak out on this issue, but we must not embrace that approach either.

            B. We must stand for and spread the truth of God’s Word concerning homosexuality

            As we discussed in our series on abortion, we can take advantage of opportunities that God may give us to speak out about homosexuality in public forums. These opportunities may be abundant right now as debates about gay marriage bring this subject into the limelight. The Bible gives very clear guidance to us to stand against efforts to legalize gay marriage. According to Romans 13, human governments are supposed to discourage behavior that is wrong and promote behavior that is right, and we need to remind our government about this duty.

            We can make a very clear moral case against something like gay marriage from Scripture, and because the Bible tells us the truth, it is not surprising to discover that secular research backs up our claims. Just recently, a sociologist at the University of Texas published a study which demonstrates that children who are raised by two gay parents are worse-off in dozens of different categories than children raised by heterosexual parents. The study examined more than 40 categories of social, emotional, and relational well-being and found that children of gay parents are worse-off in almost all of them. These children are more likely to have problems with impulse control, depression, and thoughts of suicide, and are more likely to need mental health therapy.²

            These findings come as no surprise to those of us who believe the Bible, and we must be willing to proclaim these things. But as with our response to abortion, we must be quick to share the Gospel as well. Forgiveness is available to anyone who will repent of their sins and trust Christ, and we must make sure that message comes through loud and clear.

2. How can we respond to homosexuality with grace?

            A. We must cultivate a loving atmosphere in our church which allows people to fight against sin without fear of unjust judgment and rejection

            This statement is an observation about church life in general. We must strive for this kind of atmosphere whether we’re talking about homosexuality or any other sin. Each person in our church needs to feel that they can discuss their struggles with someone here and receive help rather than hatred. Someone once said that the church is the only army in the world that shoots its wounded, and unfortunately that can be true at times. Each one of us needs to fight against the sins of gossip and pride so that our sins do not become the point of entry for Satan to devour one of our brothers or sisters.

            As I understand it, most homosexuals deal with a significant amount of shame over the temptations that they are facing, especially when they first come to grips with their desires. The last thing we should desire as a church is for such a person to feel like he or she has to wrestle with their temptations alone. Secrecy allows sin to thrive because it creates isolation from others. The Bible compares our relationship as Christians to a human body, so when isolation occurs in the church its like when a part of our body loses blood flow. For that part of the body to regain health, it must have proper blood flow restored; in our spiritual lives, those walls of isolation must be broken down.

            This is why it is spiritually devastating to people when they face unjust judgment and rejection—its like they are amputated from the body! Now I emphasize unjust judgment and rejection because the Bible does call for separation from a sinful person at a certain point, but that point is not while a person is battling temptation. Each person in this church needs to believe that they will receive help from others as long as they desire to do battle against sin. Its been said that sunlight is a great disinfectant, so we need to work toward a culture in our church that allows for transparency, so that we can bring our sins out into the open and leave them to die of exposure at the foot of the cross!

As a church, we are obviously a collection of individuals. So what might you as an individual need to do to respond with grace to someone who is battling homosexuality?

            B. We, as individuals, must humbly walk beside our brother or sister as he or she battles temptation

            Galatians 6:1-5 is an excellent passage to reflect on at this point. The Apostle Paul opens that passage by writing, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” Here, the age-old question from Cain receives an affirmative answer—am I my brother’s keeper? Yes; yes you are! Now the picture here is not one of creating a “nanny state” in the church where we are prying into each other’s lives. The picture is of fellow travelers helping each other up after one of them has fallen, and we are commanded to provide such spiritual assistance.

            Paul then issues a warning to those who would help: “Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.” The temptation here seems to be that of pride, as we will see in v. 3.

            Verse two says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,” which is probably a reference to Christ’s command to love others as ourselves. Then comes the warning again: “For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.” Here is the temptation that we face when we see a brother caught in sin—we may think we are too good to get our hands dirty with the mess they have made. Or, we may play the comparison game and pat ourselves on the back because we appear to be better than our brother. But Paul warns us not to go there in v. 4-5: “But let each one test his own work (i.e. don’t compare yourself to your brother), and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load.” I think that last statement refers to our judgment before Christ to determine our rewards from Him. That judgment will not be on a curve! He will not assess how well we did compared to others; He will judge us by the standard of His commands.

            So we have here in this passage a command to help restore a brother who is caught in sin. As we think particularly about homosexuality, helping someone in that sin will most likely take the form of providing accountability and friendship. Is that brother hanging out with people who are pulling him into that lifestyle? If so, we can provide friendship and encouragement to sever those ties. Is our brother visiting places where homosexuals go to connect? If so, we can hold him accountable for staying away from those places. We may need to make ourselves available to take a phone call or make a visit at any time of day to provide effective accountability.

            It is also likely that you will need to help this brother deal with one or both of the common roots of homosexual behavior—pornography and sexual abuse. We all have our initial exposure to sexuality from something, and for some people, that first exposure is unfortunately forced upon them by an abusive person. A homosexual may have been started down that path by someone who seduced them or abused them. In those cases, you will need to help the person understand that spiritual cleansing and healing that is available to them through Jesus Christ. You may need to direct that person to a professional ministry like Exodus International, who can help them heal on every level.

            Other people have chosen the path of homosexuality after exposure to pornography. You’ve heard the old saying, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire?” Well, where there’s sexual sin, there’s pornography. You can pretty much count on it, so you may need to provide accountability for someone in that area as well. Help them destroy whatever material they may have; be willing—with their permission—to review bank statements or credit card statements to ask about questionable purchases; set up systems to hold them accountable with their Internet browsing.

            You can see how much personal involvement may be necessary to help a person break free from the chains of homosexuality, but let us never doubt that change is possible, even from this lifestyle. In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul writes out a long list of sinful lifestyles which includes homosexuality, but at the end of the list he says, “such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God (1 Cor. 6:11).” With the Lord there is always power for transformation; may we seek to be agents whom God can use to do His transforming work in others.

  

Notes:

1. http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2012/05/americans-have-no-idea-how-few-gay-people-there-are/257753/  Accessed 10/6/12.

2. http://www.worldmag.com/2012/08/good_deeds_punished  Accessed 9/26/12. See the full article at http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0049089X12000610.

3. Northrop Frye, The Educated Imagination, as quoted by Warren W. Wiersbe in Preacing and Teaching With Imagination (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1994), 61.